


we'll let the light peer through//i'll be there in a heartbeat

by neonnailvarnish



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: 5SOS - Freeform, Angst, Cake, Cashton, Cutting, D/s, Don't let the tags put you off I've made it so it's as un-triggering as i can, Established Relationship, Finally more than 20k I am proud of myself, Fluff, Gay, Gay Sex, I literally don't know how these tags work, Insecurity, M/M, Mentions of OT4, Mikey and Luke used to hate each other, Mild Kink, Muke - Freeform, Panic Attack, Smut, Very vague smut, cashton is real, malum, muke smut, please leave any comments/improvements ty, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-24
Updated: 2015-10-24
Packaged: 2018-03-06 14:18:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 28,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3137441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neonnailvarnish/pseuds/neonnailvarnish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I swear if I ever update this again y'all owe me a dollar.</p><p>Some angsty Michael/Luke and Calum/Ashton stuff, yano.</p>
            </blockquote>





	we'll let the light peer through//i'll be there in a heartbeat

preface.

 

No relationship should be easy. No relationship should interfere with a career. No relationship should contain a lot of arguments, but, by God, it makes us so much stronger each time we make up. No relationship should make me feel this alive. But it does. And I wouldn’t change it for the world.

 

i. he looks so perfect

 

Michael trailed his fingertips down Luke’s bare chest, the dim lighting casting long shadows across their bodies. The room was silent and Michael could hear Luke’s quiet intakes of breath with every touch, and the way his body tensed ever so slightly against the cold of Mikey’s fingertips. The pure look of concentration as on Luke’s face as he watched Mikey’s fingertips cascade down his body forced a smirk to bubble up onto Michael’s lips.

“You should know by now that I don’t bite.” Michael teased, a smirk spreading across his face.

Looking down and pointing to his collarbone, Luke raised his eyebrow. “You don’t, hmm? Because this kind of makes me believe you do…” He trailed off, watching Michael’s eyes fall upon the deep purple bruise which had resided there for the past few days. Michael grinned wickedly, leaning in towards the bottom of Luke’s neck.

“That’s only cause you like it.” He growled, grabbing Luke’s waist firmly with his hands. “Right, baby?” Pulling the younger boy’s body closer to his own, Michael’s eye glinted with that sparkle of power that never failed to turn him on.

“U-um...” Stuttering, Luke tried to figure out how he was going to play the act today. “Nope. I actually think it’s about time we went to bed….” He giggled and tried to turn away from Michael, but the strong grip on his hips stopped him. After a few seconds of silence, Mikey sighed.

“Come on baby, don’t lie to me…”

“I’m not lying! I’m just really tired, you know, it’s been a long day...” He couldn’t help but let out a small giggle, and after a short second, his boyfriend joined in on the laughing too.

“You’re an ass. I got worried then!” Hitting the other’s arm, Mikey playfully pouted and shuffled further away on the couch. “C’mere baby, I want a cuddle.” Mikey offered, opening his arms wide as if to allow Luke to hug him.

With Luke’s eyes fixed on the opposite side of the room, Michael gave up and decided to take matters into his own hands, throwing himself across the sofa and landing on Luke’s lap.

“I love you.” He whispered to the blonde haired God sat before him and planted a kiss on his nose. Rolling his eyes, Luke wrapped his arms around his boy’s slender figure and rested his head on Mikey’s shoulder.

“I love you too, I guess.” A slight chuckle rocked his body, mostly exaggerated to show he was only kidding. Of course he loved his boyfriend, with all his heart, and he was so happy to be able to be with him, if only when they were alone.

The other boys in the band still didn’t know about their relationship. Sure there had been a few close calls, with Calum questioning why Michael had slept in Luke’s bed one night with the pair only in their boxers, but they soon got around it by making something up about Michael having a nightmare and needing comfort. Though they both hated not being able to be honest with their best friends, they figured for the time being it was their best option. Michael couldn't wait for the day that Luke finally decided to be open about who he really was and tell the guys that him and Michael were together, but he knew he shouldn't push it.

To be honest, he was amazed that they had made it this far. It was only a couple of years ago that the pair hated each other, despised each other in fact, and yet by some fucking miracle, they were now in the happiest relationship either of them could imagine and all that stuff that had happened was forgotten and felt a lifetime away. It was also a subject they didn't talk about. Ever. That didn't mean Mikey would ever stop being sorry for what he did.

Luke looked intently at Michael, the remnants of his smile seeping out of him as his playful mood began to deflate. His eyes flickered from Michael’s hands to his eyes, biting his lip ring unconsciously, a tell-tale sign he was debating whether to say something or not.

“What..?” Mikey’s voice was mixture of childish curiosity and concern as he tried to catch Luke’s eye, in hope of drawing his attention away from his thoughts.

“What? Sorry I was just thinking.” Luke muttered into his shoulder refusing to make eye contact.

“Hey, what is it? What are you thinking?” Mikey moved one hand away from Luke’s hip, moving it to lightly stroke his arm instead, hoping to coax the whimsical thoughts from his mind.

“I’m just worried about the future Mikey. About the band, and the fans and our families and everyone else. I mean, no one knows about us. No one. And that’s really scary. I hate having to hide this from everyone, especially Ash and Cal…” Luke trailed off, a tear beginning to form in his eye. He loved Mikey with all his heart, and he had for months before they technically got together.

Michael sighed, realizing that their relationship made it tough on the both of them. The atmosphere within the band was beginning to be awkward, they knew Calum and Ashton were beginning to wonder about what the other two were hiding, but they had never explicitly asked about what was happening. There was no saying that if they had have asked that they would have gotten a true answer anyway. It was just tough.

Michael and Luke had had endless conversations about if/when to tell people they were together, but it always ended with Luke getting emotional and closed off, refusing to even imagine telling the fans and his family that he was gay, let alone in a relationship with Michael.

In Luke's mind the fans would hate it. They would hate the relationship, hate them, and hate their band. That was literally the opposite thing they wanted, especially considering they had just gotten their big break. Finishing the tour in which they had supported One Direction, their success had rocketed overnight, and they had gained a record deal with the promise of more than one album if things went well, magazine and TV interviews, and their own headlining tour of the world that was set to last more than 6 months.

Their families were all very supportive, incredibly proud of their sons/siblings, and were happy with the promise of Skype calls once a week a least, and updates whenever possible. All of the boys missed their families, though.

Ashton was probably the worst for missing his siblings, younger brother Harry, and sister Lauren, and he called/texted them at least once a day. He knew it was still hard on his mum because she still worked her day job to support the kids, but Ash sent as much money as he physically could back home to help.

Ashton’s father had never been in the picture, so he had been teased pretty much his entire school life about how his mum was a single mother and their family was poor and whatever. He knew that kids just picked on him because he was an easy target, and took his mother’s words of advice which was that the bullies were just projecting their own problems outwards. But, he made it through the worst years of his life with just a few cuts and bruises, so he considered that a win most of the time.

Luke was also very guilty of checking in at home obsessively, the fact that he was a huge momma’s boy becoming more and more prevalent as they spent a larger amount of time away from home.

Sure, Calum and Michael missed their parents and siblings and stuff, but they were more internalised in their familial longing, knowing that they needed to cherish every single second they spent being a super famous band, because soon enough they knew it could crumble in front of them.

Michael and Luke hadn’t entered the band knowing they were going to fall in love, in fact, they had spent a full year of their lives absolutely hating each other. Their reason for hating each other? That would be a long and tricky story that will be explained later. For now, all you need to know is that it was the result of one of Ashton’s LA parties that meant the drunken pair finally admitted their feelings for one another.

 

ii. kiss me kiss me

Mikey had noticed the looks he had been getting from the blonde boy across the room, and by 2am, he had had enough. He simply needed to find out what was going on in Luke’s head, as he hoped that would help him to figure out if this was simply a crush on his best friend, or something more.

Approaching him slowly, Michael caught Luke’s eye and used his head to gesture that he wanted them to go out on the balcony. Though Luke furrowed his brows, he politely ended the conversation he was having with a short brown haired girl, and followed Mikey.

Before he exited the room, he quickly looked around to see where Ashton and Calum were, his mind telling him this was going to be more than a casual conversation about the weather. After a few seconds he noticed the pair of boys sat next to each-other on the floor, clinking their beer bottles together and laughing at a joke one of the other party-goers must have made. Luke made a mental note to thank Ashton for organizing the whole event, renting out a hotel floor for the night during their week-long stay in LA as part of their US tour.

As they stepped outside the cool night breeze seemed to hit Luke a lot harder than he’d thought it would, considering all the hype about sunny California it certainly wasn’t the same as sunny Australia.

He followed Mikey right to the edge he was already arched over, his hands dangling downwards into the empty air. Luke followed suit and leaned on the edge next to him, looking out over the still bustling and bright city in the distance, the orange fluorescent lights from a thousand apartments, clubs, and bars seemed to fade almost too subtly into the bright starry sky.

Just as he drew a breath to speak, Mikey beat him to it.

“Luke. Look, I’ve been meaning to ask about this for a while. And this could be the biggest mistake of my entire life and I could regret it more than I’ve ever regretted anything in my eighteen years on this planet but.. Fuck. I just need to say it. I need to stay calm and not freak out or make it weird and just say it...” Mikey finished his spiel a sad sort of smile, infuriated with himself but not surprised.

He let out a long sigh before trying again, looking into Luke’s eyes this time to try and help him concentrate. God, they were so blue. Had they always been that blue? He could practically see all of LA reflecting from the distance in those eyes, like oceans that held cities; needless to say it wasn’t helping him concentrate at all.

“Lukey, I think I like you.” He almost shocked himself with the casualness of how he said it.

Maybe it was the night full of beers finally kicking in and numbing his brain, or maybe he’d thought about saying it so many times it finally felt natural to say it out loud, or maybe he should just be grateful that he’d managed to admit it at all and stop over analyzing everything.

“And I think you like me too...” Although it was a statement he posed it as a question by raising his voice slightly at the end showing his self-consciousness begin to settle in. Maybe he was completely wrong. Maybe Luke didn’t like him that way at all.

Oh god, he’d just ruined one of the best friendships he’d ever had over a stupid chance that maybe he’d wanted something more.

“Shit. Luke. Sorry, fuck. I must have had too many beers back there, I mean. Shit. Shit shit. Can we just forget that I ever said that?” Mikey’s eyes began to widen and his heart rate picked up as though he suddenly felt the weight of his statement crashing down onto him.

“I’m sorry Luke.” He turned around quickly and walked away, feeling his face flush and the blood pump around his body so much faster than he was used to, and he could feel the ringing start in his ears and it was as though all the alcohol was suddenly repeating on him and he felt sick, and then suddenly he felt a hand grab at his arm.

Turning around confused, his heart stopped when Luke’s lips came crashing onto his. This was what he had dreamed of for so many long months, but he wondered if it was just the alcohol making Luke kiss him.

After a short while, the kiss broke off, and a stupid goofy grins were plastered onto both of the boys’ faces.

“Um…” Michael’s eyes looked down to the floor, suddenly feeling shy and bashful as a result of the unexpected kiss. Daring to look up at Luke’s face, he could see Luke’s cheeks flushed with a soft pink as the blonde boy nibbled on his lip ring.

“I’m sorry. I guess... I kinda wanted to do that for a while. So…” Luke stumbled over his words, his mind a complete and utter mess. He wondered if he had just made a huge mistake.  
Though, technically, Mikey had just confessed he had feelings for him, he had no idea how solid and real those feelings were, and therefore he wondered if the kiss was going to ruin the whole friendship. After all, they were on tour for at least two more months, and if things got awkward between them, people would know.

“No, Lukey, I wanted you to do that. But what does this mean for us... and the band…...” He trailed off, not letting himself get too caught up in the possibility of being rejected. It was possible that Luke just wanted to be fuck buddies but Michael wasn’t sure if he would be okay with that.

Though the thought of having Luke’s body was incredibly him, he knew he wanted more; he wanted a real connection, kisses, cuddles, to watch cheesy movies together on the sofa… Okay, Mikey was an absolute softie that wanted a perfect relationship, but hey, who doesn't?!

The sound of Luke’s teeth grazing against his metal lip ring made the other’s eyes snap up from where they previously were fixed on the ground. Luke was filled with inner turmoil, knowing that if they got together it could mean a lot of complications for the two boys and the band as a group, but now he knew it was a possibility he felt the urge to make a relationship a reality. He sure wanted to be with Mikey, but would the risk really be worth the reward?

“I think we need to get back to the party and talk about this later. I don’t want people to be wondering where we are…” Mikey nodded, realizing that Luke was right and he didn't want to cause any more drama. As he turned to go back inside, a hand caught his own, making him turn back around.

“Wh-” His words were cut off with a short kiss being softly planted on his lips, Luke not being able to resist just double checking that his feelings were real. He knew what he wanted, and knew that it would be tough to work it all out, but the thought of being Michael Hemmings solidified his thoughts.

“See you inside, babe.” Michael watched in disbelief as the blonde haired boy sashayed back into the party, not being able to stop himself from watching his skinny jean clad ass as he walked inside. Apparently Luke had gained a whole lot of self confidence and attitude after kissing Mikey?

Michael simply accepted that Luke was just acting the opposite of his usual personality, and he absolutely loved in-charge-Luke. In fact, he might like that thought rather a lot… He adjusted himself through his jeans. Now was definitely not the time to get carried away with thoughts like that, plus, he had a hotel floor full of guests.

After a few deep breaths and thinking of the most disgusting things he could, Mikey begrudgingly dragged his feet back to the party, knowing that none of this could get sorted, not tonight at least. Soon though, soon.

 

 

iii. castaway

“I’m not sure if this what I want to do, you know? I always thought I’d go to uni and study media and make films and shit. Not.. I don’t know. Not this. I mean I love making music, but it’s hardly the best career choice…” Luke was fretting about his future, talking through basically everything in his mind.

Ashton, of course, was there to lend an ear and listen to what Luke had to say, but needless to say, he was rather shocked. After all, it was Luke that had started posting the covers on YouTube and organized actually forming a real band, and yet here he was, willing to throw it all away? It didn’t quite seem to make sense to the curly haired boy.

The comment seemed to come out of nowhere too, the boys were mid way through a match of FIFA, a game that Ash didn’t particularly enjoy playing, but he agreed to it as it was some sort of band tradition. Plus, he had nothing better to do with his time.

“Wait, you don’t want to be in the band any more? Dude, you’re the lead singer and we’re actually starting to get somewhere, you can’t just decide to stop now...” Ash was actually kind of worried that Luke was just going to throw in the towel and quit the band, right as they were beginning to get noticed and booked for gigs.

The band had been the four boys’ focus for the past 4 months, Ash had completed high school previously, as he was a year older than the rest of the group, and the other three boys had somehow managed to persuade their parents to let them drop out of school to concentrate on their music careers.

Sure, it had taken some persuasion, especially with Luke’s family, but eventually the right decision was made. They all knew that they were willing to work their butts off if it meant that they could get some amount of recognition and actually get paid for making the music they loved. Even if it meant sleepless nights and travelling and prioritising music over a social life, well, they were prepared for that if it meant they could achieve their dreams.

Luke spoke again after a long time, the previous silence being filled with the sound of Ash sighing and Luke biting his lip ring in thought whilst jiggling his leg up and down and the xBox music coming from the paused football game.

“I don’t want to give up, no. I’m just kind of apprehensive. What if all our gigs go badly and people hate us? Then I’ll have dropped out of school for absolutely no reason with nothing to show for the past almost 6 months. You can't tell me you haven't wondered what we'd do if it all goes wrong...” His voice wavered and he could feel his heart beating in his stomach. He was wildly over thinking this, but he didn’t feel like he had any control over it.

With sweating palms and a ringing in his ears, he tried to remain calm. Luke was heading toward full out panic attack mode. He was feeling consumed by emotion and at this point he felt like there was no turning back. His mind was absolutely reeling with every bad possibility with reference to his future, things that could go wrong - fans could leave the band, record deals could be unsigned.. Simply so much could go wrong! It wasn’t until Ashton placed his hands on both of Luke’s shoulders that he was brought halfway back to reality.

Ash knew what to do, it was just a case of him not getting worked up himself, at the sight of his best friend being ghost white and with a trembling lip. Sure, it scared Ash, knowing just how badly Luke could get wrapped up in his own pessimistic mind, but a bigger part of him knew that this was only temporary. Luke would soon be okay and thinking clearly. At least, he hoped so.

“Lucas Robert Hemmings. Look at me. You are safe. We will be okay. Do not get worked up about this. I love you, okay? We're a chill band, we do what we can and we work hard for every opportunity we're given. Calm down baby.” The familiar fondness in Ashton’s eyes drew Luke into a state of calmness quickly, as he knew the words he was hearing were true.

In truth, Ash had practice at helping people whom were easily overwhelmed with emotion - he had calmed his mother down from the peak of panic attacks many times during his life, a side effect of her being a single mother with three children to raise.

Luke opted to not speak and simply hug his friend, nuzzling his face into the crook of the wild haired boy’s neck. They had a long embrace before they both realised their bodies had become incredibly close and the hug was getting painful as a result of the awkward angles the boys were at, so after a very brief moment of awkward eye contact, they resumed their game of FIFA and did not mention that occurrence again.

Luke banished the bad thoughts from his mind and didn't allow himself to think like that again. He was doing what he loved and in a good place both physically and mentally, so he had no reason to get tied up in his own thoughts of endless possibilities. Things were going to be okay for the band, eventually. There was just going to be a fair few hiccups along the way.

 

 

vi. hey everybody!

Needless to say, Michael and Luke's relationship had blossomed and the two boys had gotten much closer. They still hadn’t come out as a couple, but Luke had made it as far as to tell his parents he was gay, which was a step in the right direction.

They had plentiful coffee dates and midnight meetups, and frequently spent the nights together in each other’s beds - which were obviously both tricky and risky when factoring in they were living on a tour bus with Ashton and Calum. But they weren’t going to let anything stop them from being together.

Their publicist, however, had helped them along a little. In one meeting she casually mentioned the fact that the two boys should play up on the new speculations that they were a couple (of course they denied it and tried to act as straight as possible when in front of a camera), but people soon began recognizing the looks they gave each other on stage and such like, and there was nothing they could do about it.

Their publicist also told them to act a little more flamboyant, as she knew it would get them more interviews and essentially more fans and hype around the band. Interviews and rumours created interest around the band and increased sales of record and merchandise, which was the reason that Kate Chalmers (their publicist) argued that it would be for the best. The guys obviously didn't have a moral problem with it, but they both noticed Calum looked a little unsettled once the idea was proposed.

Chalking it up to tiredness and lack of focus, Mikey and Luke dismissed the thought and jumped back into conversation, agreeing and then switching the topic of conversation to possibly creating a live album of their best songs. It was after that meeting that they realized they needed to tell Ashton and Calum ASAP. Though Ash and Cal seemed rather cool with it within the meeting, the other pair obviously worried what would happen once they told the truth to their band mates, and once they knew it wasn’t just an act for the cameras.

Sitting down at the small table in their tour bus, the four boys could feel the tension in the air. This was the night. Luke and Michael were going to tell them. It was pretty scary for Michael and Luke, knowing that potentially, this could be the end of their career, but at this point, Ash and Calum were friends that they'd had for years and trusted with anything, so they knew it would never end badly. But it would be stupid to not be a little fearful. The green haired boy took a deep breath before speaking.

"So. We figure you want to know what's going on. I know we don't usually do all is serious talking and stuff, but it kinda needs to happen. We have news..." Michael trailed off, feeling his boyfriend's hand find his own from underneath the table. Before Luke could start his part - they had spent the last hour rehearsing what to say to the boys including how to break it to them, how much detail to go into and worst case scenarios - Calum burst out into a fit of giggles.

“Mikey, you’re pregnant?!” Okay, so it may have taken a couple of beers for Mikey and Luke to get the confidence to go ahead with their confession, but they felt in need of some dutch courage. Alcohol always helped the boys feel a little more open minded and relaxed, so it was the ideal state of mind for them all to be in at that point. As the curly haired boy spoke, however, Ashton rolled his eyes and tried to fight the laughter that was bubbling up inside of him.

It may have been an expected comment from Calum, but he was still consumed with thoughts of what had happened earlier which had increased the tension in the air. Luke and Michael seemed too wrapped up in their own thoughts to even notice the awkwardness between Calum and Ashton.

~

“Good God! Calum, there is only so much that one person can do to get this band publicity! Put some fucking clothes on!" Ashton was angry.

There was only so much stupid activity he could put up with from his band-mate, especially considering he had a massive crush on the brown haired boy and probably couldn’t handle another set of leaked naked photos of him on the internet. He had just walked in on Calum flexing his muscles in the mirror, clad only in his boxers, with his phone open to the camera app in his hand.

That boy would get naked in front of the whole goddamn world if it meant he’d get more fan girls to crush on him. It was stupid. Ashton wondered why his friend couldn’t simply enjoy the publicity the band got for actually being good at playing music.

However, he liked the previous pictures more than he cared to admit, which may have had some bearing on his current anger. It was never fully nude pictures, well, other than one time that Cal swore was an accident, but Calum just liked to joke around and get his ass out for Instagram pictures and snapchats but obviously the fangirls went absolutely crazy over them.

Most of the pictures got deleted or removed where possible, but there were always more copies of the pictures floating around on teenage girls’ computers. All the boys knew how crazy fans could get. Cal simply sighed and flopped down onto the sofa and watched his brilliant plan being burst in front of his eyes. He loved the attention he got whenever he’d post a risque picture, and he knew it did lots of good for the band as more publicity meant more interviews and such like.

“Well fine, but I was just thinking it would be good. It’d be funny! And you know the fans go crazy! And I’m pretty sure you like the pictures too, seeing as one is your background…” The last sentence was spoken quieter than the rest; Calum had been dying to mention to Ashton that he knew about his phone background, and though this was the perfect opportunity, he was still a little apprehensive.

Though it was meant in jest, he knew that Ashton could take it the wrong way and get all shy and defensive about it. Gazing over at him, Calum realized that his friend’s cheeks had gone an extreme shade of red and he realized that he may have just fucked over the entire friendship. Any previous happiness and usual bubbliness had completely gone from his face, and was now replaced with a look of sheer embarrassment.

“Y-..you know about that?” His voice trailed off, eyes finally meeting the black haired boy’s whom was sat next to him. “I just.. It’s a funny picture, that’s all...” Trying to get himself out of this predicament was not going well.

He watched as Calum’s hand reached out to rest on his shoulder, a comforting feeling washing through his body. It was amazing what just one touch could do.

“It’s fine. It’s cute, actually. I have to admit though, I can think of lots of people I’d rather have as my background instead of you…Each to their own.” He added a wink to the end of his speech, letting him know that he meant it in a playful tone. Calum’s mind did start to wander, thinking about if Ashton would ever post a picture like that, if he’d ever show a little skin and get people thinking.

He wasn’t dirty minded as such, but when it came to Ashton, he made exceptions. Calum was not gay. He just wasn’t. That would be wrong. He simply had a little crush on Ash, but he just blamed that on them spending so much time together since Michael and Luke seemed to spend all of their time together in private.

Both Ash and Calum had wondered what was going on with the other two band members, but they decided to leave them to it till they decided what was going on by themselves. They were probably reading too much into it anyway.

Ashton had his theories that the two boys were romantically involved, but he didn’t really care, hating labels and such. If they wanted to be together and were happy, then Ashton would be nothing but supportive and happy for them. After a long pause, Calum decided to simply dismiss the conversation and sloped out of the room. He simply wasn’t ready for that conversation about him and sexualities and Ashton and the other boys. Not yet, at least.

~

“No you asshole. I am not pregnant!” Michael laughed too, thankful that someone had managed to remove some of the tension in the room. This was a serious moment, but you could always count on someone to make a joke or say something stupid and remove some of the pressure on the two boys.

Luke’s lip ring clinked against his teeth as he thought of how to word what he wanted to say. He wanted to say ‘I love Michael with all my heart and I want everyone to know it and I don’t care if you don’t agree with our decision or like the fact that I’m gay because for once in my life I am actually happy’, but he couldn’t.

Deep down he knew the boys would be over the moon for them, but he couldn’t get away from the fear that he could be disowned, just like he was with his own family. Shaking his head, he realized that this was not the time for him to get all upset and whimsical about his family and how things were when he was a child.

“Okay. Simply put, me and Michael are in a relationship. I know you guys might not agree with it and you may not want us to be together, but we are happy, and I love him. Obviously we’ll have to speak to Kate about what to tell the public, and see what she suggests.. But we just wanted to let you two know.” Calum’s brows knitted together. As much as he was happy for them, he couldn’t ignore his moral standing that being gay was not right. He wasn’t super religious or anything, he’d just been brought up to think that being gay was wrong and man should lie with woman.

Luke noticed Calum’s odd reaction and squeezed Michael’s hand, needing moral support that they were doing the right thing in telling the other two boys. Whereas Calum stayed silent, Ashton’s face lit up, and a huge smile threw itself onto his face as he spoke.

“I am so happy for you guys! I mean I had my theories as to what was happening, but I’m super happy for you! How long have you been going out officially? I noticed that you were spending a lot of time together. This is great! It doesn’t matter what Kate and the fans say if we decide to tell them, I’m so happy for you and proud of you for telling us!” He spoke rapidly, as if he couldn’t quite contain how happy he was. Michael smiled with the corner of his mouth and removed his fingers from Luke’s, instead wrapping his arm around the other’s waist and pulling him closer.

“Oh, maybe a month or two. Cal, anything you want to say?” He prompted his friend to speak his mind, wondering whether he disapproved of their relationship, or something else was going on in his mind. Calum’s eyes snapped up to meet the lilac haired boy and exhaled.

“Well. Yeah. Great if you’re happy, I guess.” Trying not to be prejudiced and judge his friends, he left a lot of things unsaid, figuring if he ever needed to go into more depth about what he thought, he could when the time needed.

As Ashton and Luke dived into a conversation about feelings and love and emotions, Calum looked out of the window of their tour bus. He sure as hell was not going to let them get away with having sex on there, that was certain. That would definitely cross a line for Cal, a relationship was one thing, but them being all over each other in front of other people wasn’t okay.

Michael tapped the other's arm from across the table, and once he had caught his eye, he furrowed his brows, silently asking for more information. Michael worried that Calum may be difficult about this matter, knowing that he was brought up in a very traditional home, but him and Luke were meant to be his best friends, surely he would want them to be happy no matter what. Calum shook his head ever so slightly as he stood up, coughing loudly.

“I’m going for a nap. Later guys.” He spoke curtly as he exited, too many feelings going on in his head at one time for him to be able to process everything. A worried look was shared between Michael and Luke, but Ashton didn’t seem to notice the weird vibes coming from Calum, and continued pummeling the boys with questions about their relationship and feelings and plans for the future. Michael leaned in toward his boyfriend’s ear and whispered into his ear.

“Don’t think I didn’t notice you telling everyone you love me. You’ve not even said that to me personally yet. We’ll talk about it later.” After he spoke he simply placed a soft kiss on the forehead of his blonde boyfriend before leaning his head against the window and trying to forget about how weird Calum just acted.

 

 

v. everything i didn't say

Calum pulled the duvet closer around his body, not particularly feeling cold, just needing more comfort. He hadn’t slept in three days; his mind would always manage to wander back to the whole ‘gay thing’ as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was having a real dilemma. He knew he wasn’t gay. He had been with girls before. Plenty of girls. Well, four. But still, he knew he liked girls. A word floated into his mind and he shuddered at the thought.

Bisexual. He knew what the word meant, and he knew Michael was apparently bisexual, but he also knew the stigma that was attached to it. He shook the thought from his head. That was just as bad as being gay.

His parents had always taught him that the only way to be was to be straight, man with woman, girl with boy. So for him to even think of questioning his own sexuality was almost enough to make his brain explode.

As much as he hated admitting it, he had always had a thought in the back of his mind that he maybe wasn't the same as the other boys in his school. While they were always following girls around and trying to get dates to the dance, Calum focused on music and his friends, and didn't even let the thought of girls (and whatever else he may have daydreamed about) enter his mind. What mattered was his education, his friends, and his music. Letting out a loud sigh, he promised to stop thinking about it from this point onward.

“Calum?” Ashton’s soft voice was barely a whisper as he called out for his friend as he stood in front of his bunk. He felt stupid for calling his name as he gained no reply for a few seconds, but he soon saw the bunk curtain open and a tired looking Calum poked his head out.

“Sorry. Sorry if I woke you up. I just figured you might want to talk. About stuff. You’ve been quiet recently… I made us some cocoa; it’s at the back of the bus. If you want to, that is...” Ash was worried about his best friend, he had noticed how quiet he had been in radio interviews and recognized the fake smiles he wore during small acoustic sets and TV appearances, and he was determined to fix his friend.

As Calum hopped out of his bunk quietly, Ashton noticed that he was shirtless, and was just wearing joggers. Turning his back on the boy, he hurried toward the back of the tour bus and tried to stop his mind from wandering.

He seated himself on one end of the sofa, grabbed his mug of cocoa, and waited for Calum to saunter in. He took a seat on the opposite side of the sofa and bit the side of his lip.

“What did you wanna talk about Ash?” Calum asked with a tone of worry in his voice. He could guess how the conversation was going to go. After taking a sip of his drink Ashton placed his mug down and sighed.

“I just want you to actually talk to me. Or someone. About whatever is going on in your head recently. I can tell there’s something bugging you so do not bother trying to lie to me. I know you better than anyone in this entire world, you know that.” He placed his feet on Cal’s lap as he leaned into the sofa, making himself comfortable as he assumed this conversation could go on for quite a while.

“This whole Michael and Luke being gay together are getting to me. It’s sick and wrong, Ash, that’s what I’ve been brought up to think. It’s just a lot for me to be able to change my mind about something that’s literally not right.” He admitted, though that wasn’t the entirety of what was affecting him.

It was the start, and only the start of his issues. Ashton was confused. He knew that his friend didn’t wholly support Michael and Luke’s relationship, but he assumed it was because of the image it would give the band, not because Calum had some sort of issue with homosexuals.

“Calum, you can’t think like that. I know it’s what your family have told you, but it’s just the same as being straight, it’s just the same sex that you like, not the opposite sex. It’s not wrong. But don't let Mikey and Luke's relationship get to you. Let them do what they need to, it might be hard for you to be empathetic to their relationship but they're still the same people you know and love. Plus, you've known about Mikey for ages and never had an issue...” Ashton's face was full of worry, thinking about how odd it was for Calum to get so mentally occupied with other people's business. He knew that there was a lot more stress on the whole band's life since they'd found success, so he admittedly wasn't too surprised that more and more things seemed to be getting to the boys.

Nodding, Calum had the mental fight about whether to tell Ashton or not. At the end of the day, he realised that he would be a lot better off having someone to talk to about this stuff, and Ashton was the least judgemental person that Cal knew. He decided to tell him. He took a breath.

“It's not just that.... I’m fighting it Ash, I’m trying to fight it. But I can’t help it. I think I’m sick and wrong too. I know I shouldn’t like guys, but sometimes I just can’t help it. My parents would hate me. My whole family would hate me! And the fans! Ashton I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be sick in the head. I don’t want to be a faggot…” As Calum trailed off, he couldn’t stop the sobs from coming out, not sure if he'd helped his situation by telling Ash, or made it all seem more real and tangible that he could actually be gay.

Ashton simply leant forward over the sofa and wrapped his arms around Cal’s neck, comforting him and telling him everything would be okay, until he calmed down. It took a few minutes of stroking the younger boys hair and humming softly , but eventually the crying stopped. It took a lot for Cal to say that out loud to his friend considering how long the thought had been sitting, repressed, in his mind.

“Calum. You are not sick in the head. There is not a single thing wrong with being gay or bisexual or any sexual orientation. It’s just who you are. It’s not a choice. Embrace who you are, love yourself and then other people can love you too. I’m so proud of you Calum. So fucking proud.” A tear escaped the curly haired boy’s eye, emotions running high between the two of them.

He didn’t ever want to hear Calum hating himself or anyone else for being gay again. He hated people who brought their kids up to be prejudiced, whether it be toward sexual orientation, race, class, or anything else stupid that couldn’t be controlled.

Feeling Calum relax a little underneath him, he removed his arms from around his neck and studied his face for a second. His eyes were red from crying, and he had tears still falling down his face. Ashton pulled up the sleeve of his hoodie so it was around his hand and wiped away the tears from Calum’s cheeks.

“Are you okay? Please be proud of yourself. You are incredible and amazing and handsome and you are such a strong person for being able to do this.” Ash was trying his hardest to make Cal feel comfortable and proud of himself, and by some miracle it seemed to be working, as a small smile set on his face. He even managed a laugh.

“You’re too nice to me mate, really. But I might try to sleep. It’s been a few days since I got more than an hour or two… I might be able to actually get some shut eye - I feel so much better now I've told someone.” Ashton’s eyes widened in shock - how was the poor boy still managing to stay awake?!

Standing up and pulling on his friend’s hand, he insisted Calum went to bed straight away, his caring nature consistently at the forefront of his mind. This boy needed to sleep, ASAP. He watched as the boy climbed into his own bunk before an idea sparked in his mind. Grabbing Jekyll, the stuffed teddy bear he had had from birth, Ashton placed it in Calum’s bunk atop his pillow.

“There’s a friend for you, he’ll help you sleep.” He whispered, silently thankful that the other two boys seemed to not have woken up during his and Calum’s 3am conversation, as he climbed into his own bunk and got covered up.

Calum turned over, curious as to what his friend meant by something that would help him sleep. Spotting Jekyll, one of Ashton’s most prized possessions, he grinned and picked the toy up, snuggling it into his chest and falling into a deep long slumber.

 

 

vi. beside you

Luke awoke and stretched his arms out in his bunk, not appreciating the lack of space in his bed. It was worth it though; he was living his dreams, playing for thousands of fans and on tour with his best friends.

The noise of his hand hitting a piece of paper made him frown, assuming he had left a receipt in his pocket and it had fallen out, or something just as trivial.

Instead, however, it was a note from Michael. It read: “Starbucks tomorrow? - Michael. (PS, I love you baby.)” Luke grinned and glanced at the time on his phone, sighing as it was only 7am. There was no way Calum or Ashton would be awake at this time, and he was actually surprised that Michael was.

He hopped out of his bunk in search of his boyfriend. After a minute of searching, he found his lilac haired lover lying in his bunk, headphones in his ears and music blaring out. He recognized the familiar tune immediately, it was one of their own songs, specifically one Michael and Luke wrote together before the band had any sort of success.

“Psst.” Luke tried to suppress a giggle and be quiet, knowing it would make everyone's lives easier if nobody woke up. Michael opened his eyes slowly before realizing Luke was standing in the corridor next to his bunk, and he took out one of his earphones.

“Good morning baby. You’re up early, aren’t you?” Mikey shuffled across in his bed to make room for Luke as he motioned for him to join him. Luke willingly accepted his silent offer and slid in next to him, sighing as his boyfriend pulled him closer and lent his head on Michael’s chest.

“I know it’s early. I just woke up and it didn’t feel right not to wake up next to you. I missed you.” He didn’t want to sound overly soppy, but the boys had been in a relationship for a long while now, and he knew Mikey would simply find it cute. In all honesty, both of the boys hated sleeping alone, but sometimes it was necessary.

“Can I listen? Even though I hate listening to myself singing…” Trailing off, Michael frowned and gave him one of his earbuds.

“I’m sorry. I just love this song. It was when we were writing this that I realized I kinda liked you. And I realized how stupid it was that I hated you for that year in high school. I know the whole thing was crazy at the time, but you do know I'm sorry about it, right? I was just a kid and I was dumb and I was going through too much shit in my head to even think straight. But I'm getting better, yeah? I love you Lukey baby." Admitting this to Luke seemed silly, though they were as close as ever, and both were comfortable in confiding in each other, he still sometimes felt like he said too much and gave too much away. Luke simply bit his lip ring and looked up at his one and only.

“You’re so fucking cute. I love you too, Mikeybear.” Michael couldn’t resist kissing him, his full pouted lips practically begging for attention. Plus, they hadn’t actually kissed since they went to bed the previous night, so it was practically a record amount of time from when they had last kissed. Each moment that was available for them to kiss in private was usually taken, obviously during interviews and et cetera they had to keep things mostly PG as the public didn't entirely know about their relationship. Ashton and Calum didn't seem to mind them kissing in front of them either; they just understood that every moment of privacy needed to be cherished after spending so much time in the spotlight.

“And don’t worry about what happened at school. We both made mistakes. You probably made more than me, but I can overlook that. Least I know I’ll never get in trouble with the cops ever again! Cells are awful...” He laughed quietly, wanting to let Mikey know that he meant it in jest. He knew that it was still a touchy subject to the other, the handful of times that it had been brought up in conversation Michael always got very quiet and defensive, so Luke tried not to mention it.

It was unusual for Mikey to have brought it up himself, and Luke wondered if there was something he wanted to say about the situation years ago.

“How come you mentioned it, anyway? I thought you didn’t like talking about it.” Flecks of worry were strewn in Luke’s eyes, not wanting to overstep the mark or make Michael feel uncomfortable.

“Yeah, no. I don’t know. It’s just been bugging me. I can’t believe I didn’t realize how incredible you are sooner. And I can't believe how much I fucked up. I'm so lucky to have been given a second chance. I'm always going to be in your debt for that.” He closed his eyes and tried to focus on the music, not wanting Luke to worry about him, and not wanting to get overly emotional. It was the past. He made a mistake. A few mistakes, actually. But he couldn’t dwell on it like he used to. He couldn’t get back in that state.

Sensing his negative feelings, Luke found Michael’s hand and interlaced their fingers together.

“It’s fine. It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it. We can just make out instead?” The final sentence was supposed to be a statement but he posed it as a question as he knew what Michael could get like sometimes. He tended to go off into his little world and cut everyone off if he was extremely stressed, and that was not what he wanted. Michael's past had been strewn with issues, him suffering from anxiety and depression, having family troubles and issues at school - well, he'd had his fair share of problems and didn't have the greatest coping mechanisms.

“Cutie.” Michael smiled, forcing himself to stop thinking about the drama that happened years ago. He kissed the blonde haired boy on his forehead and pulled him closer so that Luke's head was resting just beneath the galaxy haired boy's chin.

“I love you Michael.” Mikey squeezed the hand that was between his own fingers.

“I love you too Lukey.”

 

 

vii. unpredictable

“You’re sure about this guys?” Ashton asked his friends as they sat around a large glass table in a fancy looking office.

They had planned a meeting with Kate, their publicist, as Michael and Luke figured it would be best to tell her the truth about their relationship and see what she decided would be the best course of action. Obviously they wanted to tell their fans, but they worried that it would have more of a negative reaction than they planned, so they decided to turn to the only person they knew who would be able to deal with the situation properly.

“Yeah. Well, I am. Baby, you sure?” Luke squeezed his boyfriend’s hand, silently offering him comfort and prompting his reply.

“Um. Yeah. Yeah.” Michael ran his fingers through his newly dyed hair, the vibrant red strands slipping between his fingers as he sighed.

“I’m just scared Luke. What if she tells us we can’t be together or something. What if they remove our contract?” Michael felt a panic attack coming on so set to concentrating on his breathing. Luke rubbed his back soothingly, noticing the signs of an attack coming on, and so tried to soothe his boyfriend.

Calum and Ashton exchanged nervous glances. At that moment, Kate walked into the room, pushing open the glass door with red painted nails, and click-clacking her way over to the seat at the head of the table.

“Now boys. I don’t want to hurry you, but I can only spare half an hour to meet with you. What was it you wanted to talk to me about?” She spoke hurriedly, not wanting to shoo the boys away, but her other contracts had very pressing matters she needed to attend to.

“Um, well. Basically. Me and Michael are in a relationship.” Luke daren’t make eye contact with Kate, worrying that she would give him a disapproving look and put him off, and he needed to stay strong for Michael.

Mikey still had his head in his hands and was whispering numbers as he exhaled, each breath lasting seven seconds in, and seven seconds out. He knew worrying about the whole situation wouldn’t make it him feel any better, and wouldn’t make Kate’s reaction any better either. The red lipped woman frowned slightly, her mind obviously trying to figure out what would be the best course of action. Michael seemed to perk up a little after a few more seconds, managing to lift his head and evaluate the situation in the room.

Ashton and Calum were both looking around the room, evidently trying to avoid eye contact with anyone else in the room. After all, it wasn’t technically their issue to be a part of, other than the way it would affect the band.

“Well. This is good, I guess. How long has this been going on?” She asked as she brushed her fringe out of her face.

“Officially only a few weeks, but it’s kind of been going on for a while. What should we do? Should we tell the fans?” Lucas asked quietly, silently praying that she would somehow know what to do. After all, it was her job to be able to handle situations like this.

“Of course we shouldn’t tell them! It was bad enough seeing Calum’s reaction, let alone millions of teenagers! They’re going to hate us and it’s all my fucking fault. We're gonna lose our record deal and get unsigned and FUCK!" Mikey exploded. The rest of the boys recoiled, Ash’s mouth dropping open. This definitely wasn’t what any of them had expected from the redhead.

“Michael Clifford. Are you sure you want to be present? If you cannot act mature about this and keep your cool, then I think it may be for the best if you leave.” Luke swallowed loudly as Michael ripped his hand from holding his boyfriend’s. Mikey balled his hands into fists, so tight that his knuckles turned white, and placed them by his side.

“No. It’s fine. Carry on.” As Luke looked into his eyes, he saw so much pain and anger, and it honestly scared him. Sure he had seen him in bad states, but this seemed different somehow. Scarier. If they didn’t trust each other so immensely, Luke may have worried that he was going to get punched.

All the boys were staring into the middle distance, not really focusing on anything as their minds wandered.

“Good. We shouldn’t tell the fans, not yet. Obviously you’ll not be allowed to kiss in public, but we’ll stick with our original plan of you two being all coupley and mysterious. It’s doing a lot of good to get hype around the band. Ashton and Calum, are you okay with this too?” Kate’s voice was obviously laced with stress, not needing yet another bombshell to contend with. But she kept her business face up, knowing that she needed to be constantly professional.

“Yeah.” The two boys said in unison, and Luke could have sworn he saw a knowing glance between them, but he dismissed the thought as soon as he could, knowing speculation wouldn’t improve the situation.

“Good. Anything else? I think Michael evidently needs some time to cool down.” All of the boys nodded, excluding Michael, the echo of whose gritting teeth would ring through a thousand corridors. Luke, for the first time in a while, spoke.

“That’s all.” Pushing his chair back and standing up, he grabbed his phone from the table and reached out to grab Michael’s hand. Michael, however, simply left the room, ignoring Luke and Kate and the other two boys.

“Thanks Kate.” Ashton added as him, Calum, and Luke all rushed out of the room, knowing better than to let Mikey get too far away when he was in this kind of mood. God knows what he would be capable of.

Ashton had seen Michael in too many states similar to this one, and he knew first-hand what might well happen if they weren’t careful.

~

“There was absolutely no reason for you to shout like that. If you didn’t want to go ahead with telling Kate then you should have just told me and not exploded in a professional meeting. Do you even understand that she has the power to literally ruin us? And I’m not just talking about our relationship; she could end the whole band. You seriously need to get your act together, because I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship with someone that can’t keep their anger in check. Okay?” Luke tried to keep his cool, but he could not believe how Michael had acted in their previous meeting with Kate. She was there to help them and he acted as if it was some non-serious stupid meeting.

“You saw them all in there; none of them would even look at us never mind say anything! I couldn’t just sit there and pretend like everything was fine, that I was fine, when it’s just not Luke!” Mikey could feel his anger starting to well up again. The way everyone had just sat there in the meeting had made him feel sick.

The silence and tension resonating from Calum and Ash was almost suffocating. He had to let it out. Though in hindsight maybe he hadn’t done that in the best possible way. Sure, he may have slight anger issues, but he figured that so did everyone else, and there are times when it all just gets a little too hard to deal with. Everyone needs an outlet.

Like Luke for example, Mikey knew he had a spate of basically being an alcoholic after his parents practically disowned him, and Ashton had previously had his own problems with self-harm.

In fact, Mikey thought he dealt with it pretty well. But he knew what his little outburst could have turned into. He could have gone back to his dark place. Nobody wanted that. Not even he wanted that. But maybe it was the best option. Just to leave again and take a month or two for himself. But as he looked at Luke his anger began to subside. He could see the hurt in his eyes and the realization of the potential damage he may have caused the person he loved began to sink in.

“Luke, I -I didn’t mean to. I just got all panicky and you know my anxiety can be a bitch and it just got the better of me. Don’t be angry. Please. I couldn’t handle you hating me after all this.” Tears were dripping down Michael’s face and he had absolutely no control over them. He was distraught over the thought of losing Luke, and that thought in his head on top of his emotional outburst earlier, it was simply too much for one nineteen year old boy to handle.

“I’m sorry Mikey but that’s just not excusable, you need to learn to control your anger. I know you have issues, hell, we all do in this fucking band. But you can’t go exploding on our publicist like that, especially when she has the power to turn us to distant memories in fangirls minds…” Shaking his head to himself, Luke tried to shake the thought from his mind.

He knew Kate would never do that, but the fact that she simply had the power to was scary enough. He wanted the band to succeed. He wanted people to like the music they created. He didn’t as much like all the paparazzi and constant interviews, but he, alongside the other boys, was prepared to do anything in order to get to the top and keep doing what they loved.

Michael pulled up the sleeve of his plaid shirt and wiped his face, realizing he probably looked an absolute state.

“I don’t hate you. I just can’t believe you did that. It’s not the image we want to give out. Okay?” Luke sighed, not being able to stay angry at his boyfriend for long, his love for Michael always being too strong and overcoming any other emotion he could be feeling.

Michael opened his arms and embraced his love, burying his face in the crook of the younger’s neck, enjoying the comforting smell of Luke’s cologne.

“I just couldn’t deal with another disaster involving you. I think we’ve both been through enough together..” An awkward pause ensued, obvious that both of the boys were lost in their own minds, thinking of ‘what ifs’ and all the endless possibilities. Finally, Mikey realized that they had been quiet for longer than they probably should have been, so he decided to speak.

“Come on, it’s late. Let’s go to bed. You can sleep with me, if you’d like. If not I’ll understand.” Luke sighed and agreed, knowing that he wanted to be with Michael all night no matter whether they had had the fight or not.

He hated sleeping alone. He loved being woken up by a cup of coffee handed to him by his boyfriend. Though it wasn’t a lot of effort for Michael to go to; the older boy usually woke up first and had breakfast before Luke stopped dreaming, it was the gesture that made it mean to so much to Luke. But that couldn’t always happen. Sometimes film crews would want to come onto the bus at 6am to get some weird shots of them sleeping or waking up or whatever other creepy reasons they had, so the boys had to be very careful.

Michael took Luke’s hand in his own and made off in the direction of Michael’s bunk. The pair got ready for bed, both brushing their teeth, and laughing when Mikey ended up dribbling white foam out of his mouth, followed by a whispered joke about it not being the first time he’d struggled to contain white stuff in his mouth.

Luke giggled and hit his red haired boyfriend, calling him disgusting and yet not meaning a single word. He loved the boy unconditionally, which included his stupid sense of humour, amazingly. Michael waited for Luke to jump into his bed first before following, knowing that a) Luke preferred to sleep against the wall, and b) Mikey would probably wake up first, so sleeping like this made it easier for him to escape in the morning and hunt down some breakfast.

They fell asleep a beautiful mess of tangled limbs that night, their altercation earlier completely forgotten, and replaced with a strength to their relationship.

 

 

viii. catch fire

After a long day in the studio, all the boys were worn out and practically falling asleep on their feet.

Calum hadn’t had a good day recording, being asked multiple times to retake parts and practice certain songs whilst the other boys recorded. He seemed distracted and all the boys noticed.

Ashton just kept quiet all day. When Luke suggested that him and Mikey extend their Starbucks date to a group thing, both Calum and Ashton decided to stay home.

Michael and Luke then set to getting ready, trying to ignore the obvious tension on the tour bus. It meant making out, showering (separately), and spending 15 minutes styling their hair; Luke’s into a strong quiff, and Michael’s into a ‘messy hedgehog’ as Ashton had continually called it all tour. He was happy with it’s deep red colour.

As Luke pushed open the glass door, Mikey kissed his cheek and motioned him over to a booth in the corner of the coffee shop.

“You go sit down, I’ll get our drinks. Iced Caramel Macchiato, I know baby.” Luke opened his mouth when Mikey was half way through, as if to tell him his drink order, but Mikey filled in the blank, and, no surprise, he knew what his boyfriend wanted.

Smiling softly to himself, Luke plopped himself down onto the padded seat and glanced out of the window. It was getting dark, the only lights were balanced between street lamps and the moonlight, and Luke thought it looked beautiful. Sometimes people can appreciate the way artificial light and natural light complement each-other, and now was one of those times.

A loud burst of his boyfriends laughter made his head snap up. He was flirting. With the barista. Luke furrowed his eyebrows and attempted to listen in on their conversation, failing miserably as they were too far away.

He could pick up certain words, though. 'Cute' was one of those words, and it made Luke feel uneasy. After the whole episode with his parents, he worried about people leaving him, disowning him, moving in to find better, et cetera. This situation was bringing back those feelings.

Luke straightened his back, trying to decide what would be the best course of action. Should he go over there and claim his boyfriend in the most obvious way possible? Should he just sit there and let Michael obviously flirt with another guy, right in front of his eyes? Before he even had chance to come to a conclusion, Mikey returned to the table with the drinks in his hand and a huge beaming smile upon his face.

"There you go! I got you extra caramel." Michael took a seat next to the blonde and grinned into his coffee.

"That guy seemed nice." Luke spoke after a long pause. His voice was gruff, almost as if he had a lump in his throat. Michael blinked a few times.

"Uh, yeah. His name was Tucker. He said he'd never heard our music before, so I told him to listen. He liked 'Good Girls'. I thought he would, he looked like that kind of guy." He spoke with some kind of sparkle to his voice, Luke obviously being able to tell he felt proud he managed to get someone new to like their music.

They may have tens of thousands, possibly hundreds of thousands, of fans, but that didn't mean they didn't appreciate each and every single one of them. But Luke couldn't help the feeling he was being replaced by someone better. He tried to contain his outburst, he really did, but he honestly couldn't.

"So you're going to be his boyfriend now?" Luke asked, trying to be nonchalant. He knew the answer he was looking for, he wanted Michael to tell him he loved him and only him, and had no interest in 'Tucker', but he just doubted himself. Michael scoffed.

"Baby, what? Why would you even ask me that?" Reaching around the table, Mikey leant over and touched the younger boys arm in an attempt to comfort him. It seemed absurd to him that Luke would think that he wanted anyone but him, and was confused as hell as to why he would even think he wanted 'Tucker' anyway. It's not as if he'd just flirted with him, he simply told him about their band and accepted his offer of extra caramel!

"Oh, you know, you two just seemed to be getting cosy over there by the counter...." Luke knew he was being stupid. He knew he was. And yet his fucking brain just wouldn't let this lie. He needed to be inside Mikey's head and find out what was really going on, but obviously, he couldn't.

It was times like these that Luke daydreamed about being able to read minds. God that would be perfect. Then he'd be able to hear all the harsh truths people thought about him, instead of the tamer versions of their opinions that they said vocally.

"Seemed to be getting close? I was getting us some coffee; he's the coffee guy, so he did it for me. Then. I told him about our band because he said he thought he recognized me. That's it. That's all. Nothing else.” Michael tried to console the other, but it didn’t seem to be working. He knew that Luke was protective and worried too much, but jeez, he didn’t want to have to deal with this.

“Whatever you say.” Was Luke’s only response. Both of the boys then proceeded to glance around the room, the awkward tension filling the silence. Luke sighed loudly, pondering what was going to come next for his relationship and the band.

He knew that he wanted to stay with Michael forever, hell, he was even open to the idea of marrying him, but he knew there was the possibility that Michael wouldn’t want to stay with him that long. In the end, he realized that he just wanted the boy he was in love with to be happy, whether that be with him, another guy, or nobody at all.

“I’m sorry Mikey. Just scared you’re gonna leave me.” A slight smile played on Michael’s lips. He knew Luke would give in and apologize.

“It’s okay baby. Actually, there’s kinda something I want to give you. Now seems like a good time." The firetruck-red haired boy slid out of his seat before getting down onto one knee.

“Lukey, baby, princess, I love you more than anything. Listen to me, there is not a single person in this entire world that I would rather be with, not even Nick Jonas, okay?” He tried to make a joke out of the super serious conversation he was trying to have.

Michael had planned out what he wanted to say when he did this so many times, but this time he figured he would just say what he felt needed to be said as opposed to something scripted.

Luke’s eyes were almost bulging out of his head. Was Michael going to propose?! As if reading his mind, Michael chuckled before he spoke.

“Before you say it, no I am not going to propose. But I am going to give you a ring.” Reaching into the pocket of his skinny jeans, he pulled out a small white box and opened it, before placing it on the table in front of his love.

“This is a promise ring. I promise to love you forever and never cheat on you and always always always be there if and when you need me.” The ring was a simple band, so silver that Luke could see his own reflection in it.

“Yes!” He almost shouted as he picked up the box to inspect his new piece of jewellery more closely. Michael stood up quickly and grabbed the box out of Luke’s hands.

“Hey, hey, if you want this, at least let me put it on your finger. Doofus.” Both of the boys giggled, and Michael saw a tear escape Luke’s eye.

He was crying. Crying with happiness. Mikey almost exploded with joy. He couldn’t think of a better way that his boyfriend could have possibly reacted to this. He just wanted to show Luke that he was devoted to him, and only him, in the hopes that he wouldn’t worry as much and would feel a little more secure in their relationship.

He took the ring out of the box as Luke held out his hand, ready to accept the gift. Feeling the ring slip onto his finger felt incredible, he could feel his worries slipping away as he gained the huge promise of commitment from his one and only.

“I love you more than anything or anyone in this entire universe. You are the absolute love of my life, and I know this isn’t just some stupid teenage romance. This is real love. I can feel it. I sure hope you feel the same way as I do, baby.” Wiping away a tear from his cheek, Luke nodded furiously. He felt the same way. He loved Michael with all his heart.

“I love you too. More than anything.” His voice cracked on the last word, the lump in his throat taking over.

He never thought that the boy he spent a whole year of his life hating would be the boy he now loved and just received a promise ring from. Michael pulled him into a hug, wrapping his arms around the blonde’s small frame and planting a kiss on the back of his head.

The two watched the rain pour onto the window outside, filled with thoughts of the future and happiness and the atmosphere was peaceful, and both boys were completely content in their lives. Nothing could break them. Nothing. Well, almost nothing.

 

 

ix. jet black heart

ix. jet black heart

'I need someone, anyone, help me darling'. Calum stopped dead in his tracks and listened. He could hear a voice, presumably Ashton's as it was a voice he didn't really recognize singing, and it was beautiful.

As Ash sang more lyrics, Calum pushed his ear to the door, hearing a simple chord progression accompanying the curly haired boy’s voice. Obviously everyone knew that the drummer of the band had amazing percussion skills, but it wasn't too well known that he could strum out a melody or two on the guitar too.

'Fix my mind and my broken heart. Wake me up, save me, I can't do this...' A frown appeared on Calum's face as he felt the emotion behind his friend's voice; he could have sworn that it sounded like he was on the verge of crying. The lyrics were obviously full of emotion, but there was something in Ash's intonation that seemed weird.

The dark haired boy carried on listening, concerned. He knew he probably shouldn't, but Ash had been quiet over the past few days, and Calum figured he should offer to help if he needed it, after all, Ashton had given more support and advice RE: the sexuality thing, so Calum owed him big time.

'Fuck!' Ashton exclaimed, a loud bang ringing alongside the shout. Pushing the door open rapidly, Calum assessed the situation. Ashton was sat, clad in jeans and a long sleeved black shirt, with a guitar at his feet and his head in his hands.

'Uh, Ash?' Calum asked nervously, not sure how his friend would reply. After a few seconds of silence, Cal moved to kneel in front of his friend and attempt to get him to talk. He placed a hand on Ashton's shoulder, and slowly but surely he began to raise his head. His face was covered in tears.

'I fucked up, Cal. I can't even play the guitar without fucking that up too. I fucked up. I really fucked up...' A sob erupted from Ashton's chest as he mentally decided whether or not to tell his friend what he had done. Knowing that Calum would never judge him and that he really needed someone to know, just in case, he held out his arm which was covered in a smattering of scars and cuts. It was a difficult thing for Ashton to actually show someone. Showing someone meant no hiding how bad it really was.

Calum gasped. He knew Ashton had struggled before, but as far as he was aware, it had stopped years ago. Immediately, the dark haired boy brought the other to stand, and pulled him into a hug, feeling a tear or two roll down his cheek.

Why? Ash was always the happy one, why had he done this? Had he ever really stopped cutting? Was it because of the band? Was the pressure too much and it had forced him into doing this? Though his mind was swirling, he figured now was definitely not the right time to ask for answers. He needed to give his friend a second to calm down before he interrogated him; carefully, of course.

After a few minutes, Calum's legs started going dead, and Ashton was still crying and evidently not prepared to talk, so Calum sat on a chair to his right and brought the other down to sit on his lap. Ashton draped his legs over the edge of the chair and pressed his head against Calum's chest as he felt a strong pair of arms wrap around him. It probably looked weird, Ashton, whom was both muscular and tall as hell, sat on top of Calum's knee, whom was broad but definitely not as giant as his friend.

Wrapped in Calum's embrace, Ash tried to stop crying. He really tried, but he had spent so long ignoring his emotions that once he started, it was practically impossible to stop. His mind was just filled with so much bad stuff and he couldn't help but be angry at himself for not being happy. His life was perfect, he was touring with his three best friends in the entire world, had hundreds of thousands of fans, and yet something still made him hurt himself for the release.

It was an old habit, a very old habit, and something he had managed to not do for a few months. Since he started, Ash didn't think he'd ever gone over 6 months without cutting. As much as he hated to admit it, he depended on the release to calm him when things got too much. These thoughts only made him cry more.

He was fucked up. He had no reason to do it; he knew it not only hurt himself, but also his friends and family if/when they found out. But he couldn't resist the urges.

Calum simply held his friend close, knowing that there probably wasn't anything he could do to make him feel better at this point. All he could do was wait for him to be ready to talk, and try and help him as best he could. Cal knew that it could take a while - Ash was known to get defensive and closed off if he was pushed to talk about something he didn't want to - but he was prepared to wait until his friend was ready, and would help him in any way possible.

~

The sounds of giggling and laughing filled the hotel corridor, and it woke Calum with a jump. This, in turn, woke Ashton up too. the pair must have fallen asleep without realizing, and Michael and Luke's return from Starbucks had rudely woke them up.

'Hey, Ash, wash your arm and change your shirt. I'll keep them out of your room for a while, but I won't tell them anything. Okay? Meet us when you’re ready.” Cal's deep brown eyes met with the others green ones, and Ash felt like his heart was melting.

All of the boys always looked after each other, but Ashton couldn't really imagine himself telling either of the boys about what had happened, at least, not yet. He figured he would have to tell them sooner or later, because they were bound to see, but he just needed a day or two to sort out his own mind.

“Okay.” Ash finally replied, brain kicking in and realizing that he probably should do as he was told. A soft kiss was planted on his forehead before his friend left the room, which made him blush, but he focused on what he had to do immediately.

The blood had dried, so he took a wet flannel from the bathroom and softly rubbed up his arm, sucking in a sharp breath as he winced from the pain. This wasn't particularly a new feeling, though, as he'd been down this road many times previously.

He wasn't happy that he did it, he didn't want people to know, but he was getting bad again and he knew that it was for the best to let someone know. Just in case he went too far. Just in case he couldn't stop himself. He shook his head. He wasn't going to let that happen, and he was sure that Calum would now be on red alert checking in on him and such like.

He picked out one of Mikey's long sleeved baseball shirts from the suitcase on the floor - the boys frequently shared clothes, and figured as long as nobody lost or ruined anything, then sharing was caring! Taking one last look in the mirror, Ash put on his 'happy face', and walked out of the door to meet with the other guys in the next room.

Before opening the door to room 711, Ashton took a deep breath. His hands were shaking, knowing that Calum would want to talk to him about what had happened and what had caused it, and as much as he wanted to tell him the truth, he also just wanted it all to be forgotten.

Sure, he struggled with self-harming, it was stupid and he knew it was, but he never actually planned on killing himself or anything. It was just a way for him to release so much emotion and tension that built up within him, and he had no other real way of expressing it.

Sure, music helped, but he wasn’t much of a songwriter or guitar player. He had written one song over the past week, ‘No More’, obviously about what he was feeling, and that was the song that Calum had almost heard. As his mind reeled. the door opened and he was greeted by a chirpy looking Luke.

“Stop loitering and come in!” Luke grabbed the other’s arm and dragged him into the room, Ashton having to fight back the urge to scream out in pain. Typical that Luke would have grabbed his forearm, the place where the worst of the cuts were.

Regardless, Luke sauntered past his friend and flopped down on the bed next to Michael, the two boys spooning as they watched Frozen - the pair’s favourite movie of the month. Ashton secretly liked the movie, but never outwardly expressed this because he knew Calum would just take the piss out of him for it.

Calum was seated on one end of a black sofa, placed at the far end of the room, with a blanket draped over his legs. Ashton figured the seat next to him would be preferable than trying to squish onto the occupied bed, so he slowly walked across and plopped himself down next to Calum. His friend looked at him, searching for any kind of silent giveaways as to whether he was feeling better now, but he got nothing in response. Ashton’s face was void of any emotion.

Cal sighed, lifting the blanket so that Ashton could scoot closer and Calum could wrap his arm around the other’s shoulders. Ash happily obliged, happy to just be close to someone at the moment.

~

Michael and Luke were completely unaware of any tension in the room, the pair spooning and singing along to the movie - rather loudly - and they had already had a call from the reception to ask them to stop singing as they had received complaints - but that didn’t stop them.

Ashton was sure that after the call they started singing even louder just to spite the people whom complained. But nobody really cared enough to comment on it again.

They were nearing the end of the movie, up to the part where Hans is outed as being a horrible person and refusing to save Anna, and Ashton couldn’t help but let out a little sniffle. Sure, he had seen the movie before, but he was in an especially vulnerable emotional state recently.

As he held back tears, Calum’s hand found his under the blanket and their fingers interlaced, a smile spreading onto both of their faces. Though Ashton knew this was wildly out of character for his friend, he decided to not ask about the matter due to all the other things going on in his life at the moment, and it was probably only meant in a supportive way anyway.

And even if it wasn’t, he wasn’t going to let himself think about that. However, he did take this as a sign that it would be okay for him to cuddle up against him a little more, slowly moving so that his head was resting on Calum’s shoulder, their hands still intertwined. Calum tried to press back the worry that had been constantly in his mind since he saw Ashton crying and found out about what he had done, and he knew that if he wanted to talk about it at all, then he would want to talk about it in private.

By the end of the movie, Luke was sniffling and Michael was fast asleep, so Ash and Cal made their excuses and left to go back to their room for the night.

~

“If you wanna talk then I’m here. If not then I entirely respect that, but make sure that you’re safe. Okay?” Calum stated as soon as they had got back into their room as Ashton flopped face-first into his bed.

Cal needed him to not feel pressured but know that he was there to listen and help if he needed. A while passed, in which neither boy talked or moved, and so Calum figured he should just give up and go to bed. He took off his jeans and shirt and wandered over to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

Once he was done, he set to cleaning up the mess Ashton had left, tissues and a bloody flannel littering the counter, and the sink was stained a vague pink. God, he wished Ash hadn’t hurt himself. Obviously he had some stuff going on that none of the boys knew about, but Calum still wished there was some way of stopping him before he did it.

“Cal, I’m not ready to talk about it right now. I’m just so tired. Could you, um, sleep in my bed? I don’t trust myself to sleep alone….” Ashton’s voice was low and quiet, not sure if asking for Calum to sleep with him would be a little too far. Obviously nothing was going to happen, and that wasn’t his intention, but he worried that maybe his friend would take it the wrong way.

Calum’s soft brown eyes, however, showed that he was more than happy with the arrangement, as he put his arm around Ashton’s waist and guided him toward the bed.

“Hey, we could put these two beds together! That’s what Mikey and Luke do nowadays… God knows what they need all the space for.” Calum laughed, and Ashton joined too, both genuinely laughing at the thought of their friends having sex. They probably laughed out of awkwardness, but Ashton was just happy that he could genuinely still laugh.

The past few weeks had made him doubt that genuine happiness would ever be felt by him again. The beds were soon pressed together, and the double duvet was pulled out of the hotel closet which Cal had spotted earlier whilst unpacking.

Cal was the only member of the band that insisted on unpacking every time they got to somewhere new, the rest of the boys finding it pointless - they only stayed in the same place for a week tops. Either way, their makeshift double bed was made, and Calum got in first, waiting for Ashton to undress.

Unexpectedly, Ash kept on his long sleeved shirt, probably for the reason of making sure none of his cuts opened, well, making sure the least amount of them did.

The pair ended up spooning, Ashton curled up almost in a ball and Calum’s arms wrapped around the other’s middle. For a hot second, Ash could have sworn he felt something pressing against his lower back, but he dismissed the thought as soon as it had arrived. Just because Cal had the confidence to tell his friend he was bisexual, didn’t mean he had a crush on every boy that existed.

Ashton’s soft snores sent Calum to sleep, finally giving up on staying awake and worrying about his friend, to finally get a good night’s sleep for the first time in a week.

 

 

x. invisible

Waking up to feel someone sobbing in your arms is never a great way to start the day. Calum opened his eyes and frowned as the fog cleared in his mind and he realised what was happening.

Last night he had slept in Ashton's bed to comfort him, and now it was early morning, still dark out, and Ash was crying. Trying not to shock his friend, Calum tightened his arms around the other boy and nuzzled into his neck.

He knew trying to make him talk wasn't really an option now, Ashton seemed to have got himself into such a state that he would have to calm down a hell of a lot before he could speak. So Calum did what he could, offering comfort as he let the boy know he was awake.

"It's okay, Ash, I'm right here, okay? Calm down baby, you're safe." He hoped his words were enough, but he feared they weren't.

Ash's sobs seemed to die down as he realised he wasn't the only one awake anymore and so he tried to collect himself. His mind was just a constant spiral of negative thoughts and self hatred, and he despised the fact that he was a fucking rockstar but still wasn't happy. He wondered if he ever would be happy. The feeling of Calum holding him, however, did show him a glimmer of hope.

"I-I'm sorry..." Ashton spoke, his voice low and gruff as a result of crying. He had no idea how much time had passed, he knew that he fell asleep for a while, but woke up to a thunderstorm of sadness in his mind. That was what had set him off crying. Then simply the fact that he was crying made him even worse; it was a vicious cycle.

"What have I told you?" Calum started, struggling to keep his voice soft and keep the worry away. "Never apologise to me. Never. Okay? Your feelings are completely justified, and you don't have a single thing to be sorry for. I just hope that one day you're going to realise how special you are, because you are truly an amazing person." And I am in love with you. He was desperate to add, but he doubted that now was the time. Maybe the time would never present itself, and he would live in a constant state of denial about being in love with his best friend.

Hell, he managed over 10 years of not telling anyone his other secret, so another would practically be a piece of cake. Plus he wanted to avoid the awkwardness of Ashton rejecting him because he didn't feel the same, and at the end of the day, the band was the most important thing.

The band would always be the most important thing, not just to Calum, but to all of them. It was the one thing that they had actually succeeded at, school not really being a strong point for anyone. Hence why they had dropped out of school to pursue their music. God knows how their parents let them do it, but he was sure they knew it was the right decision, no matter how unconventional it was.

"I... Cal.. Thank you so much. I don't know what I would do without you." Ash made an attempt to sit up, but Calum's arms were in a vice like grip around him.

"Little help?" He asked, hoping that Cal would take the hint and let him sit up. He had been awake for hours so far, and there was no way he was going to get back to sleep now. Calum non-verbally replied by helping his friend up, placing his hand on the small of the others back and pushing him up.

As Ashton wiped the tears off his face, Calum sat up too and looked at his friend. His hair was an absolute mess and looked cute as hell, his eyes were red from crying, and his hands had a slight tremble hiding within them.

"Do you wanna go with Mikey and Luke? They wouldn't mind being woken up I'm sure, that is, if they're not awake and busy..." Both boys stifled a laugh. Since 'Muke' had come out, they had been more than making up for lost time, and the other two boys sometimes heard more than they wanted to. But, it couldn't be helped.

It was weird, though, how in just a short space of about 6 months, both Luke and Calum had come out, and Ashton was... Well Ashton was just Ashton. He didn't like labels. If he liked someone then he liked them, whether the person be a guy or a girl or whatever in-between.

It seemed odd to him that people would care. But that was just his opinion. Ash seemed to be debating his friends proposal, his hand wiping his brow as a slight frown found its way onto his face.

"Sure. But um, I kinda wrote a song. I don't know if it would be like a song for the band or... Yeah. I don't usually write shit. If you wanna hear?" He posed his question quietly, kind-of worried that Calum either wouldn't want to hear it, or would hate it if he did.

"Yeah!" Calum jumped at the opportunity. He assumed it would be the song he half heard earlier, before he had found out what Ashton had done.

He was happy that Ashton actually wanted to share it with him, knowing it was probably quite a big deal. Ashton wasn't much of a writer. Sure he helped with the odd lyrics, but Ash was more of a 'create the music behind the lyrics' kinda guy.

Picking up the guitar and passing it to his friend, Calum sat cross legged at the end of the bed and waited patiently. The first chord played, and Calum smiled. Ashton, however, was looking intently at the guitar, knowing it would take all of his focus. He could drum a beat in his sleep, but he was less practiced at the guitar.

'I need someone, anyone, help me darling. Fix my heart and my broken mind. Wake me up, save me, I can't do this. I can't go on alone, I need to start living my life.' As much as Cal was enjoying his friends song, he knew there was such a deeper meaning behind the words.

It was the same song he had heard before, and he tried not to just pull his friend into a huge bear hug there and then. He wasn’t going to let Ash know that he had spent a couple of minutes outside of his door earlier, listening to the same lyrics, because he didn’t want Ash to feel like he was being spied on.

At the time, Calum was just worried, not nosey. Ashton was nibbling on his lip and looking at his friend expectantly as he played the last chord of his song, expecting some kind of response.

“That’s incredible. You need to play it for the others, if you feel comfortable. Definitely could be one of the slower songs on our album or something. I’m so proud of you Ashy baby.” Ash managed a smile as he was leapt upon, the two boys ending up one on top of the other on one of the hotel beds. Their faces were mere centimetres apart. The air around them was thick with lust, and both couldn’t ignore the sexual tension.

Calum very slowly came to the conclusion that he wanted to kiss Ashton, he was going to kiss Ashton, but as he began to close his eyes and press his lips forward, Ashton jumped off of him and plastered a huge fake grin onto his face.

“Right, I think I’m ready to go spend time with Mikey and Luke now!” His loud voice filled the air and only added to the awkwardness that Calum felt, and before Cal could even begin to think of what to reply, Ashton was out of the door. So much for showing Ashton how he felt toward him. Ah well, Calum thought, There’ll be other opportunities I guess.

 

 

 

xi. vapor

"Calum! I need soup. Stat!" Ashton's voice was loud and gruff, an obvious side effect of his illness.

Over the weekend, Ashton had managed to get presumably some kind of stomach bug, his lower abdomen had swollen slightly on the left hand side and he’d been throwing up a lot, but everyone assumed he would just be okay and get over it.

Calum groaned, sliding out of his bed and falling face first into the floor. He was clumsier than usual when he'd just woken up. But, Ashton needed food, so he had to get it.

"Soup is on its way!" Peering his head into Ashton's bunk as he passed it on the way to the kitchen. He noticed a sweat breaking on the curly hair boys head and his arms were wrapped tightly around his stomach.

He was pretty damn worried. After turning on the stove and putting a tin of soup in a pan to heat, he returned to his friend for some intense questioning.

"How long have you felt this bad?" He kept his voice calm as he tested the other's forehead, noting that the temperature was much hotter than it should be. He needed to do something. The curly haired boy simply whined, mumbling something like

"Too long. All night...", before curling onto his side and bringing his knees up to his chest in an attempt to quell the pain within his body. Ash had never felt this bad, and it definitely didn't feel like a regular case of food poisoning. Calum was beginning to wonder if it was something more serious that was wrong with him. He decided to call his mom while he waited for the soup to warm on the stove.

After a few minutes of back and forth conversation, his mom had convinced Calum to call a taxi for him and Ash to get to the hospital ASAP - She was convinced it was appendicitis or possibly something worse, and Calum couldn’t help but agree that it was better to be safe than sorry. He thanked his mother for the advice and turned his attention back to the soup, waiting for it to hurry up and be ready already, a glimmer of hope in his mind telling him soup could some how magically make his friend all better.

Once the creamy chicken broth had sufficiently cooked, Calum balanced it atop his hand wrapped in a tea towel, and took it to his friend.

“Come on Ash, you’re gonna have to get out of bed to eat, I’ll take it to the back of the bus, okay?” Ashton begrudgingly agreed and slipped out of his bunk, feeling the constant pain in his stomach twinge as he stood up.

He needed food, and then he’d probably be fine. Maybe he was just super hungry! Or maybe something was actually wrong with him... He decided to not dwell on the latter thought. He hated hospitals and doctors offices and medicine and… ugh. Ashton was convinced he could just talk himself out of being ill, but unfortunately, that’s not always possible.

The edges of the beds were used as makeshift barriers for Ashton to grip onto and pull himself down the bus. Had the bus gotten longer somehow? It was taking so long for him to get to the back... As Calum hovered in the middle of the lounge room in the bus, he pulled out his phone and Googled a number for Uber in Tampa, where they were currently staying during the Florida leg of their tour, and Ashton finally arrived, flopped onto the sofa and began to eat.

“Just gonna go call an Uber. Mum said we should probably get you to a hospital just in case. I’m sure it’ll be nothing, but we’d better just check it out. Enjoy your soup, I’ll be right back”. He quickly walked out of the bus and called the number, requesting a car from their location to the nearest hospital, knowing that it would be for the best to arrive as soon as possible. The operator told him that a car would be there within the next 5 minutes, and he sighed in relief.

He wouldn’t have to wait long. Walking up the steps of the bus, he heard a faint gurgling noise, and panic struck him. Was Ashton okay?! Rapidly shooting across to the far end of the bus, he saw his friend hunched over the toilet, throwing up.

“C-cal…” Ash managed to choke out once his stomach gave him a break. With one hand wrapped around his stomach and the other clinging to the bowl of the toilet, he called out his friend’s name again. Calum rested his hand on the other’s back, attempting to console his friend, but not particularly knowing how to help. Plus, he presumed that Ashton wouldn't want his friend to get too close, considering that he was throwing up and all.

“A taxi will be here in a minute, try and sit up and I’ll go fetch you some water. Don’t worry, Ashy, I’ll look after you, forever and always. Just gotta be strong for me until we can get you fixed.” A brief smile managed to flash over Ash’s face as he sat up, appreciating the cute little pet name that Calum had just called him, before the pain kicked back in and turned his grin into a scrunched up face of pain.

Cal soon returned with a glass of water and handed it to his friend. It was painful to see him hurting so bad, but he knew the only thing he could really do was get him to a hospital.

“Can you move? I can help you walk, but the car is probably here. We can get you checked up.” Stretching out an arm to help him, Calum lifted his friend into a standing position and slowly helped him off the bus, before putting him in the car and buckling him up.

“I’ll be right back, just gonna grab something.” The driver muttered a quiet “Sure", as he ran back onto the bus and picked up his mental list of things and shoved them into a bag. Underwear, toothbrush, Jekyll, Ashton’s phone and wallet, and his own wallet. He really didn’t know what was going to happen. Leaping into the car, Calum told the driver to go, and go fast, whilst crossing his fingers that his friend was going to be okay.

The drive to the hospital took just over 10 minutes; it should have only taken 5 but the driver had to stop 3 times upon Ashton's request as he felt he was going to throw up again. He didn't though, by some kind of magic. Calum gave the driver a $20 dollar bill and then set to helping Ash get unbuckled, out of the car, and into the hospital, throwing a quick

"Keep the change" at the driver. The receptionist at the front desk asked what their issue was, and once she had heard the symptoms she sent them across to room 144c immediately and told them there would be a doctor with them within a couple of minutes, because it sounded like appendicitis, and there was no way of telling how close they were to bursting and poisoning his bloodstream.

It was a struggle, but Calum managed to get his friend into the elevator and up to the room rather quickly - so quickly, in fact, that Dr Jacobsen was there waiting for them.

"Now, what's his name?" The Doctor asked Calum, evidently sensing the emergency and skipping formalities.

"Uh, Ashton Irwin. He's 20, u-uh, I don't know his blood type.. He's not on any medication as far as I know.." Cal fumbled over his words, trying to give all the information that would be needed, but panic was beginning to set in.

God, if only Luke and Michael hadn't insisted on some time apart from him and Ash... No, he couldn't blame the other two boys for wanting some time alone, it would just be great to have some moral support. But Calum would manage, he always did. The doctor nodded, politely asking Cal to wait outside as he wheeled Ashton out of the room.

The sick boy's hand reached out toward his best friend's as he was being moved away, their fingers touching briefly, before separating and Ashton was pushed down the corridor. Calum's hair was greasy, his body was sweaty, and his mind was all over the place. The sound of his greenday ringtone blared from his pocket, and he pulled it out to see 'Mikeybear' was calling him.

He debated not answering. Mikey would only worry madly, him and Luke were meant to be having a relaxing few days to be romantic and coupley, and what if he got told Ash had appendicitis and it turned out to be fine by tomorrow?

Calum told him. He had to, it was silly to think that he would be able to get away with not telling him. The other two boys said they would get to the hospital within an hour or two, and the tanned boy knew there would be no talking them out of it. He stretched himself out across 4 different seats, and placed his hoodie under his head to act as a pillow, because, hey, he had to pass the time somehow, and sleep was the only real option he had.

He half fell asleep, eyes fluttering open again every 10 minutes to check that nothing had changed and that Ashton hadn't returned. He tried his hardest to quell the worry because he knew his friend would be fine and that appendicitis was something pretty common and easily treatable, but he just really hoped Ash would be back to his healthy and happy and giggly self soon.

"Calpal, wake up. We're here now. You okay?" The first thing Calum did when he woke up was mentally curse at himself for letting himself actually fall asleep. That wasn't supposed to happen at all.

Was Ash back? Was he okay?! His eyes shot open, and were met with a pair of ocean-blue ones. Luke. He slowly pushed himself up, feeling his joints and bones ache as a result of the uncomfortable hospital seats.

"M'fine. Where's Ash?" The blonde wiped at the side of the other's mouth, noticing he must have fallen asleep with his mouth open and had drooled. Mikey was sat quietly on the end of the line of benches, his head in his hands, fingers threaded within his hair.

"Ashton's still in surgery, we just asked the nurse and she said she thinks he'll be out soon. It's not complicated, he'll be okay. I'm more worried about you, to be honest." Luke tried to make a smile appear on his lips but he didn't particularly succeed.

He knew Calum would have been madly worrying about this whole thing, and the fact that Mikey and Luke weren't there to help would have only made things worse. They were here now though, and that's all that mattered. The blonde haired boy took a seat next to Calum, and grabbed his boyfriend's shoulder to pull him closer.

"We're all gonna be okay, right? I know it's a shock, but nothing will get us down, I promise you that." Luke's words calmed all three of them to some degree so they at least had that to be thankful.

Mikey was worried as hell but trying not to show Calum how he felt, because he knew that everyone would only work themselves into a state of frenzy eventually. Ashton's gonna be fine. He's going to be back to normal in no time.Those words were spinning around his head like some kind of mantra. He had to be okay. He just had to be. It was only after around fifteen minutes of silence that someone finally broke it, and that someone was Ash.

"5 Seconds of Summaaahhhhhhhhh!!!" Ashton yelled down the hall, much to the irritation of the nurse who was pushing him. He was in a hell of a lot of pain, but the meds had apparently gotten to his head, so he was in a vague state of euphoria.

The boys giggled and followed him in behind the nurse who was pushing his bed back into the room. Before anyone could speak or ask any questions, the nurse informed them that he was on a lot of medication and therefore he shouldn't really be held accountable for anything he said or did for a few hours until the meds filtered out of his system.

They all made sure to thank Nurse Bradley, before sitting down on the various chairs and surfaces in the room.

"So, Ash, how are you feeling?" Calum was sat on the chair closest to the bed with his fingers interlaced with his friend's.

"Me? I'm Ashton. Wonderful. I mean, it feels funny not having an appendix anymore, but who needs it anyway?!" His voice was a mix of ups and downs and highs and lows. He seemed to have some understanding of what was happening though, so that was always a good sign.

A few simple questions muddled with nonsensical answers later, the three figured they should let Ashton rest and get some rest themselves, so Mikey and Luke each laid on either side of the sofa that was in the room, their legs intertwined. They fell asleep pretty quickly, presumably because they had been prioritizing 'other things' over sleep the past few days, but Ashton and Calum stayed awake talking in hushed voices.

And that's how Calum found himself in Ashton's hospital bed at 3am. Ash had been talking nonsense for a long time, but Cal was simply happy that he was okay and was infatuated by the boy. He was begging and pleading his tanned tattooed friend to get in bed with him, insisting that there was no way he would be able to get to sleep without cuddles, so Calum couldn't really argue with him. Anything to shut the boy up and make him go to sleep.

Cal laid on his back with his arm around Ashton's shoulder, letting the boy rest his head on his chest and wrap his arms around his vest-covered torso. It was quite lovely, he had to admit. But it seemed a little too close for normal friends... Not that he was complaining. At all. In fact, he could probably fall asleep like this every night if it were possible.

 

 

xii. waste the night

The sound of bottles clinking together loudly made Luke’s eyes open rapidly. He could have sworn he’d only just put his head down to rest his eyes, but judging by how much the sun had risen, he must have been asleep for around half an hour.

“Hey sleepyhead. Did you have a nice nap? We carried on drinking, cause we’re hardcore!” Michael almost shouted, the alcohol obviously well within his system now.

The boys had been drinking since around 10pm, after they all decided they were too pumped up after their show to sleep, and therefore decided to get shitfaced.

The boys generally didn’t drink, Luke especially, but he figured they had a lot to celebrate. New music videos and albums were being considered, Luke and Michael’s relationship was going incredibly, and basically everything was going good for once. Luke’s nightmares were almost non-existent, and Ashton seemed to be getting better, too.

The entire group really needed a night off to get wasted and have a laugh with each other, simply put, and after many bottles of whiskey and beer, they seemed to be accomplishing their goals.

Rubbing his eyes, Luke tried to wake himself up a little as a vague headache threatened to consume him. He reached across to his boyfriend and took the beer bottle from in his hands, claiming it for his own and taking a swig. The beer had turned warm, which was kind of vile, but he didn’t care as he knew it would probably hold off his headache for a little while.

Luke was known to get horrific hangovers and his general response was to keep on drinking to fight off the feeling of unwellness.

Calum and Ashton were practically sat inside each other, mere millimetres between the two of them as they sat together on the couch. Luke had his curiosities but kept quiet as he knew from personal experience how tricky dealing with your sexuality can be. Both boys were pretty much heterosexual as far as anyone was aware, and Luke was not about to be the one to force anyone to come out. Dealing with his own recent past, he knew it was hard. Not only hard in the sense of having to tell people and make a big deal about not being 'normal', but also just coming to terms with it in your own head sometimes feels impossible.

Luke was happy he had managed to accept himself as who he was. I fucking hate society for making it seem so 'odd' He thought to himself. Not my fucking fault I like cock.... Realising he should probably reply to his boyfriend since he did steal his beer after all, he blinked a few times to get used to the bright lights.

“I wasn’t sleeping! I was resting my eyes…” Luke strained to shout over the sound of Fat Lip by Sum 41 which blared from the docking station at the other side of the room, not an unusual occurrence for the boys to be playing extremely loud music at this time in the morning, but hell, it wasn't helping the blonde fight off his headache. Michael stood up from being cross legged on the floor and plopped himself next to his boyfriend.

“Sure sure Lukey, whatever you say baby.” His voice was vaguely slurred, but Luke noted that he didn’t actually sound as drunk as Luke had expected him to. That was probably a good thing because though they had a day off tomorrow, he knew the day wouldn’t be as fun if Michael spent all day hungover and grumpy.

“Mr Clifford, kisses please!" He requested his boyfriend's lips, reveling in the fact that on the bus they didn't have to hide their relationship. Michael's face lit up into a goofy grin.

"Well, Mr Hemmings, I'm sure I could agree to that, under one condition. Sleep in my bed tonight. I miss spooning you." Luke nodded as Ashton and Calum both spoke at the same time. Something like 'Get a room' and 'You two are like an old married couple!' rang into both of the boys ears, but they didn't particularly care.

"Fine, fine..." After two or three long kisses, Luke stood up and moved toward the counter in search of more booze. He returned with a bottle of sambuca and an evil grin.

"Time for never have I ever!" The rest of the three guys sighed, but they all knew they loved the game.

The only issue was that it was tricky to think of things to say that would both make people drink and find out new information because the boys were all generally quite vocal about experiences and things going on in their lives, as most best friend groups are. Nevertheless, they all agreed to play.

"I don't even fucking like sambuca," Said Ashton, his words rather a jumbled mess. He was the lightweight of the group, and everyone knew it, but nobody was going to tell him he was too drunk because tonight they planned to get wasted and have fun and not give a fuck. They hadn't had a drunk 'banding' session in a very long time, and tonight they were going to make up for that.

"Ooh I'll go first! Never have I ever had to be rushed to hospital because I was basically dying!" Michael’s drunken energy levels had risen in the past few minutes, and now he was talking animatedly with wild hand gestures and added a cheeky wink at Ashton.

Ash raised his middle finger to the red haired boy and laughed, taking the shot that was ever so carefully poured for him and downing it in one go.

It had been almost a month since his surgery and he was glad to be able to drink again. Though the doctors had said he only really had to wait a week or so for it to be fine for him to drink, he figured waiting a while longer was for the best, just to be on the safe side. But damn, the alcohol was hitting him hard after such a long break. His vision wasn't normal and he could feel the huge amount of liquid sitting in his stomach. He'd already been to pee like three times the past couple of hours, but it was good for the boys to let loose and have a drink; they deserved it after months of shows and gigs and interviews, hence why everyone was happy that tonight had come to fruition. They even managed to get their bodyguards and tour people to stay in a separate bus, only parked next door, but it just meant a little more privacy. After a brief silence in which Calum and Ashton pulled stupid faces at each other and Michael kissed his boyfriend, the game resumed.

"Okay Michael, in retaliation I am gonna say 'Never have I ever gotten drunk and crawled into bed with the wrong person... Naked!'" Ash had to take a pause midway through his sentence to control his laughter, his mind sending him back to the hilarious night where Michael had been out drinking with the 1D guys and returned back to the hotel only to strip, get into Ashton's bed instead of Luke's, and then freak the fuck out when he realised his mistake. It was fucking weird to be woken up by a drunk naked Michael in his bed, but thankfully Ash saw the funny side, and so did Luke.

The boys were all good at avoiding awkwardness in situations like that and instead taking the mickey out of each-other and laughing about it. That response was usually the best way to deal with shit like that anyway. Michael placed his head in his free hand, the other being occupied by being wrapped around Luke's waist.

"Fuck you! It was a mistake!" He knew he couldn't really appease the situation or make himself feel like less of a dick, so he opted for pouring a half shot and downing it in one. All the boys chuckled at the thought of that. Luke laughed too and snuggled closer to Michael.

"Luke Luke Luke Luke record a Keek of me and Cal dancing. I feel like we should make one so the fans know we aren't boring fuckers in our spare time." He spoke clearly, obviously into his 'sober mode' which he used when cameras were around and he were drinking. Luke obliged, opening the App on his friend's phone and pressing record, as Ash humped the table and Cal grinded up on the faux-wood cupboards, and all the guys knew that the entire video would be giffed within a matter of minutes and the fans would love it.

As a general rule, all the fans loved the amount of time the band put into interacting with their fans, whether it be posting videos, pictures, or just tweeting and replying to fans. It was kind-of cute that even while shitfaced, Ash was thinking of the fans, after all, the fans were the reason that they had gained any success at all. After the video was posted the boys returned to the game with new zeal. Next up, Luke.

“Never have I ever…” He trailed off as he thought of something to say, he figured Ashton was the most drunk out of all of them, so he should aim his question at Michael or Calum. His blue eyes lit up as a thought flickered into his mind.

“Never have I ever had sex with a girl!” Sighing, Michael lent forward to the table beside him and poured out two shots, one for himself, and one for Calum.

Michael had only slept with 2 girls, both during his seventeenth year. One was his girlfriend of 2 months, he knew he had rushed into having sex with her, but she wasn’t a virgin and he was, and the peer pressure of being a virgin so ‘late’ on in his teenage years finally got to him. It wasn’t particularly fun or romantic, more like a few minutes of ecstasy in the back of his Impala just to get it over and done with. Needless to say, that relationship didn’t last more than a week, post-sex.

The other girl was simply a very drunken hook-up after a party, he didn’t know her name at the time, and to this day he doubted he’d ever remember it, or even recognise her if he saw her on the street. But he didn’t think sex was as much of a big deal as people his age made it out to be. Sex was something to be enjoyed but love didn’t always come into it, at least in Mikey’s opinion.

Calum had slept with a number of girls, to the boys knowledge it was 3 or 4, but Calum shared the same thoughts as Michael; Sex was an activity to be enjoyed, but also it was simply a power tool. He gained popularity at school soon after becoming a ‘player’, and he didn’t really care about the snide remarks behind his back because he had a lot of friends and as a result, got invited to all the good parties. The boys both downed their shots and pulled faces as Luke frowned.

“God, Michael, I forgot you’d slept with girls! God, that’s gross. I couldn’t imagine having sex with a girl. Being gay is great! ” He laughed and Michael soon joined in, happy that Luke was finally happy in his own skin and could be so proud of his sexuality. Ashton’s mind spun, his sober brain-filter evidently not kicking in as words tumbled out of his mouth, words he would very soon regret.

“Hey, Gay Calum, you agree with Luke, right?”

 

 

xiii. end up here//don't stop

Calum didn’t speak to Ashton for two whole weeks after that. Not a single word was spoken between the pair, other than in interviews where there was an unsaid contract where they faked everything being fine, but only for the cameras.

Calum just felt truly betrayed. He had told Ash his deepest darkest secret in confidence, and that trust had been broken. He understood that Ash was drunk and didn't intend on telling the others, but it was a huge secret for him to blurt out. Maybe, Calum thought, this would be for the best. At least there's no awkward having-to-tell-your-friends-you're-gay thing. He still wished he had the choice over when and how to tell them, though.

Obviously Ashton felt truly wretched; he had never ever meant to tell the other two, he was just blackout drunk, and couldn’t stop his mouth from speaking what was in his head. He knew it would end up okay. It had to be okay. It just had to. He simply needed to not go back to old habits in the meantime.

When they were on the tour bus, Michael and Luke spent a whole lot of time in their bunks, both alone and together, generally watching movies or marathoning TV shows. Ashton, however, spent nearly every second he had free chasing around after Calum, desperate to stay close to him just in case Calum was ready to talk to him again and let him apologize. Not that Ashton hadn’t tried apologizing, but Cal simply refused to listen to him. Needless to say, it was tense.

That’s why Ashton almost cried with happiness when Calum asked if he wanted a coffee.

“W-what?” Was the curly haired boy’s response to the question, and Calum smiled, shook his head lightly, and repeated the question. After half a second of deliberating what to do, he nodded furiously and Calum set to making the drinks. Taking the drink out of his friend’s hand, he spoke his gratitude, knowing that he shouldn’t push it and try to jump straight into a full out conversation.

In truth, the only reason Calum had made the effort was because both Luke and Michael had separately approached him and tried to get him to sort things out with Ash, if not only for his own benefit, but for the entire band's too. Another reason he decided to offer to curly haired boy a drink was because he knew that Michael and Luke had plans to stay in a hotel that night, and therefore he needed to casually let Ashton know that they were on the peak of sorting everything out. Well, or so he hoped.

In the back of Calum’s mind, there was the worry that Ashton would just give up and figure out that Cal wasn’t worth all this time grovelling; but he knew he meant too much to Ashton, and Ash to him. Neither of them was prepared to throw their friendship away. That was proved with the subtle glances throughout the day, engaging in banter with Ash during their interviews, and showing an honest smile for once in the past two weeks.

Calum understood that his friend had made a mistake, and, though it had made Cal's life much harder, he had to admit that it had all worked out for the best as neither of the other two boys seemed to have a problem. There was always a possibility that they hadn't mentioned him being gay as a result of them not approving and not wanting to make things awkward, but Cal knew in his heart that the boys just didn't want to make him feel more uncomfortable than he already was, and they loved him no matter who he liked.

Hell, the pair of them were both gay as hell with each other (as overheard by Calum and Ashton during the early hours of the morning), so they really couldn't have a problem with homosexuality. As Mikey and Luke packed their overnight bags (including everything Luke would need to carry out the little plan he had for him and Mikey), Ashton laid in his bunk listening to 21 Pilots, and Calum lounged on the sofa, attempting and failing to read about Marx for his online schooling.

He was doing a very relaxed online college course because he kinda wanted some kind of qualification, just in case the band thing didn't work out long-term. He assumed that with the success they had seen in the past year they were set for a long career, but he was brought up to be prepared for the future, no matter what. It was actually Mali, his sister, whom had pressured him into taking the plunge and applying for online school - she knew that though all the boys were talented, the music industry was a tough one, and she wanted there to be a backup plan for her big brother.

The atmosphere on the bus almost felt comfortable for the first time in a fortnight. Michael and Luke seemed eager to get out for the night and spend some time alone and nobody could blame them - sure it was incredible living on a tour bus and visiting hundreds of different countries, but certain activities were much harder to complete.

As they said their goodbyes to the two other members of the band, Michael exchanged a knowing glance with Calum. It was an ‘I-hope-you-work-everything-out-with-Ash’ kind of look. Sure, Michael knew that no matter what happened, the pair would eventually work everything out and it would be in the past, but he sure was over seeing Ashton so mopey and unhappy every day.

As much as outing Calum before he was ready was definitely was not an acceptable thing for Ashton to do, he just wanted everything to go back to how it was and all the animosity to be removed, because it was having a negative effect on everyone.

People had even started noticing the awkwardness between Ashton and Calum on stage - Michael had seen the tweets that fans had made speculating that something had happened between Ash and Cal - and he knew that they needed to kiss and make up ASAP. He, along with none of the rest of the band, wanted it to affect their careers just because of one drunken mistake. Speaking of drunken mistakes…

“Hey, I’m glad we can have some time alone. And I’m glad Calum and Ashton get some quiet time too.. God knows they have a lot of stuff to talk about. I still can’t believe Ash outed him like that…” Luke trailed off and looked up to his boyfriend.

Michael was draped over an armchair in their hotel room with a mostly drunk beer in his hand, his black and white hair matching with most of the decor. He had dyed it again, this time opting for a monochrome reverse skunk. Luke adored it, but, Luke adored Michael with any colour hair.

“Me too.” Mikey said, his eyes half fluttering open.

It had been a tough week for the four of the boys, with interviews being obviously awkward, and just rocking the fuck out at shows to try and make everything seem marginally minorly more normal. They loved it, though, playing shows gave everyone the buzz that they lived for, hearing the fans scream their lyrics back to them, seeing everyone having a good time and dancing - well, there was no other feeling like it on the planet.

Luke took a deep breath, pushing himself off the bed and taking a loooong sip of his vodka and coke which was on his bedside table. He needed some dutch courage to begin his plan.

“Hey, random question, but do you know ‘Bad Enough For You’ by ATL?” Luke fought off the blush from his face as he asked the question, knowing it was a completely loaded enquiry. He had a plan for a very long time, and he figured now would be a pretty good time to go through it.

Michael was quiet for a minute, evidently searching his mind for the song. He obviously knew it, he knew the entire ATL discography, but sometimes it took a second for him to remember. The familiar lyrics rushed into his head after a pause, and he smiled.

I'll misbehave if it turns you on, No Mr.Right if you want Mr.Wrong... I just wanna be bad enough for you… He fucking loved that song.

“I do indeed. Why do you ask, Mr Hemmings?” He picked himself up from the seat and sauntered over to his boyfriend whom was now perched on the edge of the double bed. Biting his lip, he knew he shouldn’t lie because Michael could read his emotions like a book.

“Well, it’s just… You always kinda seem to be in charge.. And I was thinking, no, telling you, that it’s not going to be like that tonight. It’s going to be a little different.” Luke had to pause for a second and collect himself.

As much as he knew that tonight he wanted to be the dominant one, he was simply so used to not being in charge that he didn’t really know how to conduct himself. He knew that Michael would love it and have a great night, so he knew he had to suck it up and forget his inhibitions. Besides, the pair of them knew that they needed to keep trying new things to keep their relationship interesting. They didn’t want to be one of those couples that did the same thing day in and day out and never experienced anything adventurous, because both of their personalities demanded constant change.

Daring a quick look up to his boyfriend’s face, Luke could see that Michael had furrowed his eyebrows and was looking up at him quizzically, not saying a word. Be dominant. Tell him what you want him to do. Luke had to remind himself, struggling to quell the worry that Michael wouldn't be down for this type of thing that was rising in his chest.

“Right. There is a bag inside my rucksack, go grab it and get changed. I’ll be waiting here. Are we clear?” Michael almost laughed.

He didn’t really like to admit it, but this was what he had been waiting for for months. He wanted Luke to take the lead and maybe boss him around a little; as much as he loved being the dominant one in the relationship he just wanted to see how Luke would fare in the same situation.

Managing a small nod, Michael slowly walked across to the doorway where Luke’s bag was, and soon found a medium sized pink bag, picking it up in his sweater paws. It was from a… a lingerie store? Shaking his head, he assumed he was wrong, but he still did as he was told and walked out to the bathroom to get changed.

In the mean time, Luke jumped up and set to presenting himself how he wanted to. He grabbed the long-sleeved white button down from the wardrobe - he had hung it up specifically for this moment, as he had done a few times previously, before getting too scared and not going through with it - and replaced his Blink-182 shirt with it. He also added a black tie which he haphazardly tied around his neck, and slid a belt through the waistband of his jeans. After checking his quiff game was still strong, Luke took a seat in the armchair that Michael had previously been sat in.

He wanted to look intimidating, and he was half succeeding, but he hoped he hadn’t gone too far. After a few seconds of Luke forcing himself to not overthink the situation, he heard the bathroom door unlock and open, and the familiar sound of shuffling feet as Michael entered. Luke took a short breath before looking up to his boyfriend. Michael looked incredible.

He was wearing the one item of clothing that Luke had bought for him - a pair of black lace panties - and he had kept on his red and black plaid shirt on too. The sleeves hung over his hands, and Michael cleared his throat as he kept his eyes on the floor.

“Michael… Goddamn baby, you look incredible.” Luke grinned, pleased that his boyfriend was enjoying what he was wearing, his hard on obvious underneath the lace.

“Come here.” Luke ordered, keeping his voice soft. Mikey did as he was told, keeping his pace slow as he neared his boyfriend. His mind was reeling, he had no idea what Luke was going to want him to do, what was going to be done to him, how long it was going to go on for… No. He trusted Luke. He was safe. He was okay. He wasn't going to chicken out now that he had the opportunity to live out what he had been fantasising about for months.

“Now. Come sit on my knee and be a good boy. I want to talk to you.” Michael could already feel himself slipping into a certain headspace, something he hadn’t felt in a very very long time.

He wasn’t massively into this kind of stuff, but he liked to be called cute pet names and be treated a bit differently to a normal sub. Having said that, he was usually the dominant one, so he’d not had much opportunity to explore that side of his life. As he placed himself on his boyfriend's knee, Michael looked up at Luke and giggled. Happiness was practically emanating from him.

"Now, honey. Are you going to be a good boy and tell me what you want us to do tonight?" Luke prompted his boyfriend to express what he wanted, knowing that just because he was being the dominant one for the night didn't mean that he had to leave his sub unfulfilled.

In all honesty, Luke was more worried about Mikey not enjoying it than he was about focusing on his own pleasure, but that's just the kind of person he was. Luke definitely was not a selfish lover; he could get off on just pleasuring the person he was with. That probably wasn't the general consensus for most eighteen year old boys, but hell, his life and personality weren't exactly average either.

"Umm.. W-well...." Mikey brought the sleeves of his shirt over his hands and snuggled further into Luke's chest so as to avoid eye contact. He felt so vulnerable not really being the one in charge.

"I wanna make you feel good.." He trailed off. It's not that he hated dirty talk, it's just that being in this situation and having to say things out loud was just odd for him. Luke grinned.

"Oh you do, do you? And how are you going to go about doing that?" Luke ran his fingers up and down Michael's arm as he spoke, intentionally keeping his voice soft so as to keep his boyfriend calm and in the right head space.

After a moment Luke carried on speaking, obvious that Mikey was feeling far too shy to come up with any ideas on his own. Luke had expected this, though, and knew that Michael would just need a little prompting if he closed up too much.

"How about you make me feel good with your pretty little mouth, hmm?" Michael lifted his head, looking at Luke with wide eyes and nodded eagerly. He took this as a nudge to get on his knees, so he did just that, kneeling in front of the chair and letting Luke choose the next move. Slowly, Luke stood up and rubbed his thumb across the other's bottom lip, before taking Mikey's hand in his own and guiding it to where he wanted it to be - his belt.

~

“So. Okay. I know you didn’t mean to tell them, but you did, and it hurt me. I wasn’t ready to tell them, and you took away any choice I had in the matter. I wanted to tell them once I’d had time to come to terms with it myself properly. Yes, you were drunk, and I accept that. I just need an apology or something because I miss my best friend.” Calum blurted out in the middle of some cliché movie that him and Ashton were watching.

The pair had kept their distance on the black sofa, but Calum knew that Ash was only minutes away from yet another pitiful attempt at being forgiven, so he figured now was much of a good time as any to actually start the conversation. Ashton’s eyes were bright and full of hope as he looked across at his friend.

“Wait. You’re talking to me?....” He trailed off, realising how stupid the question was. Ash had just become too wrapped up in the thought that he was never going to talk to Calum again because he wasn’t worth the brunette’s time or love, and this was kind of all he had wanted for the past two weeks. A laugh escaped Calum’s lips.

“No, I’m talking to the other person on the bus.. Yes of course I’m talking to you, idiot. Now would you just apologize and come cuddle me. I miss you so mu-”

“I’M SORRY CALUM!!!!” Ashton cut off the other boy mid sentence and lurched across the couch to encapsulate Calum in a hug. Finally, he was being forgiven. Finally, he got his Calum back in his arms, where he belonged.

“Okay, okay.” Laughing, the both of them shared a long hug, the silence only being filled with some shitty dialogue from the film, but at the end of the day, neither of the boys cared.

The animosity was finally gone from between them, and they could go back to how they used to be. Which, granted, was still a pretty weird situation, what with both boys in denial about having crushes on each other, but still holding hands and cuddling every so often… Ashton didn’t let himself think about that for too long. He couldn’t risk anything that would come between him and Cal again. Not unless Calum initiated something… in that case it would practically be rude of Ashton to say no to him.

They cuddled for a long time, long after the movie had finished and the screen had gone black as a result of not being used for so long. After a lot of yawning from the both of them, they soon went to bed in their own bunks, a happiness in the air now that everything was cleared up.

Ashton spent a while thinking about Michael and Luke, what they would be doing, how nice it would be to be sleeping next to someone in a big comfy bed, but he decided music would be a better option.

More often than not, Ash found his mind filled with thoughts that he really shouldn't be thinking, and it was getting to be a bit of a worry. Whether it be jealousy toward the couple within the band, or thoughts of how he possibly wanted the same thing with Calum, or just general loneliness leading to questioning on his sexuality.

Ashton soon decided to try and get some sleep, leaving the sounds of acoustic pop-punk in his earbuds to fall asleep to. Sleep consumed him. His dreams weren't any better than his conscious thoughts. God damn.

Soft fingertips danced along Ashton's arm, and he felt the bed shake slightly within his slumber.

"Hey...." A faint whisper trickled into his mind, and his eyes flew open, brain foggy. Quickly looking around, Ash soon spotted his dark haired friend standing by the side of his bunk, and a wave of relief washed over him. It was just Calum.

"Uh-hey. Everything alright?" Ashton furrowed his eyebrows with sleep addled worry, it still looked dark outside so it could only be around 5am - so what was Calum doing awake?

"Ash... Sorry, I know this is weird. I, um, I had a bad dream. Do you mind if I sleep in your bunk?... Just for a while...." The brunette bit his bottom lip and tried to keep himself composed.

The dream was scary, basically everyone he knew and loved died, but the part that really got to him was watching Ashton get killed, watching the one person he cared for so so much, in a different way to how he cared about everyone else, and that's why he decided to go and ask for cuddles. After all, it wasn't weird to cuddle with your best friend, in your boxers, in a bed, at 5am... Right? Ashton simply smiled and looked at his friend through tired hooded eyes before shuffling across the bed so there was space for Calum to slip in.

"You wanna talk about your dream?" The wild haired boy asked, wrapping his arms around Calum's shoulder and shuffling so the brunette could rest his head on his chest.

"Nuh-uh. Just wanna cuddle. Thanks Ashy." Calum responded after yawning. As much as he wanted to stay up with Ashton and talk and laugh and maybe kiss too, he knew he should sleep.

Just because they had the day off tomorrow didn't mean that he didn't have plans. He knew that Ash wanted to go to the gym, and Cal thought he would tag along instead of sitting around waiting for Luke and Mikey to get back. A moment of silence ensued, Ashton mentally trying to decide whether to go back to sleep or try talking to his friend, and Calum just being happy that Ash was safe and that his dream definitely wasn't real.

"You're great, you know? Like, you're such a fucking good person. And whatever happened the other week is completely forgotten, okay?" Calum reinforced the fact that he had forgiven his friend, knowing him well enough to realise that even though Cal had said he was forgiven, Ash was probably still beating himself up about it.

They had been friends for a long time, so you get to know a person's traits pretty well, especially with living with them for practically half the year whilst they're out touring and et cetera. Ash just pulled his arms tighter around the younger boy.

"We should sleep."

"No, Ash. Look at me." Calum paused his reply as he twisted around, propping himself up on his elbows so he could look his best friend in the eye. "Trust me, okay? We're good. You're forgiven. I love you, man." The 'man' was an afterthought, thinking that now probably wasn't the time to admit his feelings. There probably never would be a 'right' time to tell him, but now was definitely one of the worse times he could pick.

Ashton's eyes slowly fluttered open. It seemed as if he was almost scared to catch the other's eye.

"Okay... I love you too.." It was in that moment that Ashton meant it. He meant that he loved Calum. Not in the best friend way, not in the band member way, but in the 'I'm interested in you and I want to be with you forever because you are simply the most perfect human being in the world' kind of way. And he kissed him.

Ashton leant up and kissed Calum's lips. The kiss began slow and soft, but once Calum realised what was happening and reciprocated the emotion within the kiss, well, there was no holding back. What had started as a simple peck on the lips had turned into loving, sweet, long kisses, with Ash's hands roaming Calum's back and sides, and Cal resting his hand upon the other's neck. After a couple minutes, Ashton was the one to break away.

"Sorry. We should sleep." His cheeks flushed an incredibly deep crimson, knowing that Calum kissed him back, but knowing that this was Calum. Calum's eyes were as wide as saucers.

"But Ash. We can't just-" Ashton cut him off with a chaste kiss, before turning on his side to spoon his friend and force him to turn over too.

Calum decided to leave it, at least for now. It was clear that Ash needed a while to sort his brain out or come to terms with the kiss or realise that he hated Calum and he had made a mistake and he was stupid to ever kiss him in the first place... Okay, that last one was unlikely, but still a possibility in his head!

He fell into a physically comfortable but mentally torturous sleep, loving the feeling of the wild haired boy's body pressed against his own, but wanting to spend hours upon hours kissing him and kissing him and kissing him....Tomorrow, he thought, tomorrow.

 

 

xiv. safety pin

"You're really gonna bitch about me while I'm right here?" Michael stormed into the room, his face showing clear disgust.

He had been standing outside of Ash and Calum's room for a good few minutes, listening to them bitching, saying 'Ooh, isn't Michael spending a lot of time with Harry recently', and 'I bet Luke feels awful being ditched by his boyfriend all the time for another guy'.

To be honest, Michael could have forgiven them and understood if either of the boys had had the balls to say this to his face, but accidentally overhearing it from the corridor of the hotel just made his blood boil. These were supposed to be his bandmates. They should be able to tell him if/when he was being a dick, and not leave it to bitching about him in secret. He was pissed off beyond belief.

Both of the other boys just sat there in silence, obviously not knowing what to do or say after being caught red-handed. They were both lounging on the sofa with their hands intertwined when Michael walked in, but they had soon separated, taking opposite ends of the sofa.

"M-Mike, how much did you hear?" Ashton broke the silence, a look of sheer panic on his face. Both of the sitting boys knew that they had made a mistake.

"Too fucking much", the blue-haired boy started, his skin face turning a deep red as a result of the anger he was feeling. "You could just tell me what you're thinking instead of talking about me behind my back, thanks, so called 'best-friends'".

Him and Harry had been friends for over a year, and in that time they had spent a whole lot of time together, whether that be just talking or making music or drinking - they were instant bro's. And for Ash and Calum to hold that against him? Well, he wasn't going to stand for it.

He was allowed to be friends with whoever he wanted and he had even mentioned the whole thing to Luke to make sure he wasn't jealous or angry that himself and Harry had been spending more time together in the past few weeks due to them finally being in the same country for a change. (That didn't happen a whole lot, what with them both being in touring bands, but when they got the opportunity they liked to spend time together and catch up and chill.) Luke, as presumed, was fine with Michael and Harry's relationship as he understood that the two boys got on really well and understood each-other, and therefore he had no reason to feel jealousy or really any negative emotion towards their friendship. Though Luke got on quite well with Haz and would exchange pleasantries, he didn't feel the whole vibe Harry was going for, and he preferred to spend time with Louis.

"Next time, just fucking tell me to my face if you have a problem with me. Thanks." Michael turned to leave the room - seemingly neither of the boys had any kind of excuse or explanation to give to Michael, so he figured there was no point in staying. Plus, he was inexplicably and suddenly in the mood to get drunk, so he figured the hotel bar downstairs would be a pretty good place to start.

Before he could even leave the room, though, Calum's pleading voice made him stop in his tracks. He could just tell the voice was accompanied by a pair of dark brown puppy-dog eyes.

"Mikey... I'm sorry... Just feels like you'd rather spend time with Harry than your own band sometimes..." Calum trailed off, seemingly not believing that his pleads would be heard and understood. It wasn't even particularly that he was worried that Luke would be upset that Mike was spending so much time without him, it was that Cal and Ash were both feeling a little neglected - like Mike would rather be with Harry every spare minute that he got instead of his own band.

And truly, it was getting the both of them down.

Ashton was being uncharacteristically quiet, his internal conversation with himself taking priority. He knew that Mikey didn't prefer the 1D guys to his own band, he just felt like the four were spending less and less time together. He understood that now Michael and Luke were together they'd want more time alone, but it was the fact that they were all pretty isolated and seeing lots of other people instead of each other.

In the past, they would have scheduled a day (generally Thursdays) to have a nice old banding session, but once they'd gotten their big break and spent so much time travelling and being tired, well, that had come to a complete stop.

Michael felt bad, now he'd thought about it for a few seconds. He couldn't remember the last time he'd actually sat down with the rest of the guys and just chilled with them. He just figured that they saw each-other so much when they were touring and doing interviews that spending every other waking moment together would be a little overkill. Then again, that's how the guys had always been: inseparable.

After Mikey had vowed to spend more time doing things as a group, he returned to his room in search of his other half. He knew it wasn’t only Calum and Ashton that he'd not been spending time with, but his boyfriend too. Luke, as Michael had expected, was curled up in bed, fast asleep, with frozen playing on the screen. He loved how predictable his boyfriend was. As he had spent the night out drinking with Harry and Niall, he expected to find the other three boys playing FIFA or having a few drinks themselves, but presumably Luke didn't want to get in the way of Calum and Ashton spending some time together. Michael chuckled before he shook his boyfriend's shoulder to wake him up. Sure, it was 3am, but he wanted cuddles and Luke always got grumpy when he woke up and Michael wasn't in bed with him. Blue irises peeped out from underneath the duvet, a sleepy grin on the blonde's face once he realised Michael was back.

"Hey there Princess. Dreaming about me?" Mikey jested as he perched on the end of the bed, only for Luke to slowly sit up and throw his arms around the other's neck. They kissed. Well, they kissed for a while. It was soft, sweet, loving kisses at first, but that soon developed into a messy make-out session, Michael straddling Luke's hips and moaning as their hardening bulges rubbed together. The boys had had quite a lot of sex, but to be honest, they both appreciated cuddle sessions as much as they did fucking each-other. That sounds clicheéd, but it's the truth. Luke pulled away from the kiss to look into his partner's eyes, catching his breath but still thrusting his hips up in rhythm just a little bit...

"Baby... I'm so tired... Do you think you could maybe...?" Luke trailed off, though he was hard as rock he knew he couldn't manage another 4 hour fuck session when he had rehearsals and interviews and photoshoots to do tomorrow... Simply put, he wanted a blowjob. And Michael was in no position to deny his pretty little Princess a little bit of pleasure. Pushing Luke back onto the bed, Mikey moved from straddling so that he could take off his jeans and spend a short moment eyeing up his boyfriend. His hair was still half quiffed, but mostly slept on so it had flattened dramatically. His lips were red and fiddling with his lip-ring, his body was covered in old hickey marks, and his erection was clear through the thin material of his boxer shorts. (Actually, Calum's boxer shorts, the ones with toucans on. Don't ask how Mikey recognized them. They were a close band and Luke was a serial boxer thief. Mikey decided not to mention it.)

"Of course Lukey. Want me to suck your cock? You look so fucking-" A low growl came from Michael's throat, a noise that he didn't even know he could make, but was a result of him wanting to see Luke's face as he got his cock sucked. Luke's eyes were flickering between his cock and Michael's pretty face, silently pleading for some kind of release and friction.

"Fuck, yes. Michael, please, I love you. I need your mouth." Luke's baby blue eyes pleaded with his lover, and Mikey smirked in response.

"Like this, hmm?" Mikey placed kitten licks on the head of Luke's cock through his tight boxers, knowing it would drive Luke crazy.

"N-nuh. Don't tease me. Too tired. Just want you to make me cum then cuddle me plskthx." Luke grumbled, his voice heavy with

 

 

xv. he's kinda hot

“Hope you have a bad-arse day. Yeah. Love you guys! Bye!" Ash clicked the 'stop recording' button and published the video to the 5SOS Instagram page. It was only a quick video to let the fans know the boys were in Chicago for the next 3 days, doing a show on the last day, but using the other time to just chill out and relax after a whole lot of consecutive shows.

He lounged on the sofa in the backyard of the villa they were staying at, wondering where the other boys were. The last he knew, they were all in bed suffering from jet lag//exhaustion, but he'd already been awake for 5 hours and it was 1 in the afternoon. He decided to take it upon himself to wake them all up. To be fair, Ashton was the best at waking up in the mornings, and Mikey was the worst. Mikey would rather skip breakfast and a shower if it meant ten more minutes in bed, but Ash was the kind of guy that needed to be awake much earlier to wake his brain and body up and prepare for the no-doubtedly busy day in front of him.

Sauntering through the kitchen and toward the stairs, he heard a floorboard creak, meaning at least one of the boys must be awake. That would still leave two to wake up... As he mentally pondered which of them would likely have woken up first, he bumped straight into Calum as he rounded a corner. Calum let out a loud yelp, before the pair landed in a pile on the floor, Ash's face mere centimetres from his friend's.

It was such a cliched movie scene moment. After a second, Calum's hand came to graze Ashton's side, Ash's mouth moving closer to the other's as the pair closed their eyes. Their second kiss. Since their first kiss after Calum had his nightmare, neither boy had mentioned the occurrence to anyone, not even each-other. They both practically had to force themselves to kiss each-other, knowing that if they didn't kiss now, then they never would again, and the whole possibility of Cashton would be in flames.

Sure, Calum enjoyed the kiss a lot, and Ashton was glad he finally got the guts to go ahead and kiss the boy like he'd been fantasizing about doing so for weeks, but neither of them knew how to approach the subject. But this - their second kiss - told the boys that they were in deep trouble.

Calum and Ashton making their way toward a relationship, not 6 months after having to deal with Michael and Luke getting together? That seemed a little wild. The kiss, however, lasted a long while; the pair nuzzling noses and looking into each other's eyes each time the kiss was broken.

Calum was definitely gay. And he knew that his feelings for his band mate were definitely not platonic. But actually, he was okay with that. He's talked to all of the boys about what he was feeling and the possibility of him being gay after the whole 'Ashton-accidentally-outing-him-when-he-was-drunk' thing, but he was over it and he was learning to accept it. The only issues left would be his family - as they were obviously very religious and not entirely pro-homosexuality - and the fans, whom all of the band worried that they'd suddenly turn on them and hate them. They never would though, ever.

"Soooo..." A voice quietly came down from the top of the stairs. Calum and Ash looked up with wide eyes to see Michael and Luke staring down at them, eyebrows raised.

As far as 'Muke' were concerned, the other two were simply very good friends that believed in closeness and affection. In a way, though, Calum was thankful that this had happened. At least it saved him from the whole 'I'm gay and Ashton is kinda my boyfriend' talk that would inevitably be awkward. Still, this maybe wasn't the ideal situation.

After a moment of awkward//embarrassed silence, the whole band broke out into fits of giggles as they struggled to stay serious. Hell, they all found it hard to stay serious in interviews and meetings, let alone simply in their own company. Luke was the first to speak once they regained their composure.

"I fucking hate this band." He said, in obvious jest, as he descended the stairs and stepped over his two friends whom were still on the hallway floor. At this point, they saw no reason in moving. Calum slumped his head atop Ashton's chest, giving in, knowing there was no way he could simply play the whole 'no homo' card.

 

Mikey had evidently returned to bed by the time the boys finally stood up, as he had disappeared from the top of the stairs and was known for spending hours upon hours in the same room, under the same duvet, and being as happy as pie. A knowing glance was shared between the two, without words, but saying 'this time, we're not going to forget that this happened.'

Ashton lightly tapped Calum's ass as the pair made their way toward where they could hear the kettle boiling - Luke presumably making himself another cup of coffee to fuel his songwriting session he had in a couple hours with Calum. As a result of Luke and Calum's session in the studio today, Ash knew he wouldn't be able to sit down and properly talk to Calum about what had happened, but from the boy's body language, and just knowing him in general, the kiss wouldn't have happened again if the pair weren't truly serious about liking each-other and maybe seeing how they would work in a relationship setting.

Luke tried not to giggly under his breath as the pair entered the kitchen, but he couldn't help himself. The idea of Calum and Ashton just seemed so foreign to him. He could feel the glare Calum was sending his way but decided to ignore it, not wanting to offer a conversation about what had just happened in case that created any kind of awkwardness. Pouring the water into his coffee mug, he stirred it and threw the dirty spoon in the sink, his warm beverage heating his left hand.

Cal and Ash were now sat next to each other at the breakfast bar, both grinning. This was a good thing. The fact that the pair might finally be able to be happy with themselves and Luke could practically see the little emoji hearts blossoming from them.

"So it's not even that weird. Really. Like, I mean, me and Mikey are together and that's cool, so you two can do as you please. Just don't prioritize dick over rehearsal, alright?" Luke couldn't help himself from just saying something to break the awkward tension in the air. As he spoke, he smiled and kept his tone light. Calum blushed in response.

"Shut up Luke. There's no saying we're actually going to be a thing. I think we got a lot of talking to do. But not just yet. Wanna stay happy and not force anything." Ashton took Calum's hand in his own as he spoke his last sentence, knowing it would be Cal that had an issue. Ashton was certain that this was what he wanted, he had wanted the brown haired boy for a long time, but he also respected that Calum had been through a lot of shit concerning this very issue of 'gay', and therefore was prepared to wait, and at the same time he was prepared to be rejected. The band should always come first, not his own dumb feelings.

Again, Calum grinned in response. He was happy. Like actually happy. The feeling was foreign to him. Luke's phone buzzed in his pocket, and he deftly grabbed it and typed in his passcode. Shocking the other two boys, Luke shouted.

"Get your own breakfast you lazy arse!", but as he shouted he was already reaching into the breadbin for bread to put in the toaster.

"Fuck you, I'm punk rock!" was Michael's grumpy response as he thudded down the stairs. It was terribly difficult for Calum to admit to himself that he liked his bandmate, but now he'd come to terms with it and actually kissed him properly, he knew that he didn't want this to be the end of it. He was going to have to find time to sit down with Ash and tell him how he felt, find out how the drummer felt about him, and hope and pray that he felt the same way.

Then again, with this band, nothing was ever certain, so the only way to know for sure was to wait and see...

xvi. committed the robbery.

“Oh go fuck yourself, it’s not that I don’t want to tell him, it’s that I fucking can’t, alright?” Calum was furious. As if Michael thought he just simply didn’t care enough to tell Ash he loved him, as opposed to the plethora of reasons he had behind not confessing quite how he felt just yet. The main reason was that Cal didn’t want to scare the curly haired boy away. As much as a lot had happened since they started unofficially seeing each other, love was quite a new idea to them. It had been almost 4 months since they stopped thinking about how other people felt, and instead focussed on their own happiness. If that meant stealing kisses and holding hands and fooling around on the tour bus, then so be it. But for Mikey to basically attack Calum for hiding his feelings and not being honest, well it was just kind-of out of order.

Mikey was quick to snap back, as usual. “This is a fucking problem Cal, and I don’t think you realise that. You’re lying to Ashton and trying to play it all cool and he’s like a puppy dog walking on eggshells around you, he’s fucking terrified to make a wrong move and fuck up and have you walk away from him. It's you that has to be making the first moves because the poor boy has no idea how fast or slow you want to move, or if you even want to move at all!” Michael’s voice was raised, and that pissed the Maori boy off even more.

“Oh, right, yeah, so he told you all this did he? He said all of this to you exactly as you’re telling me now, hmm? No. Didn’t think so. He knows how I feel and he knows that I’m happy and if I don’t want to tell him that I love him just yet then I don’t have to. You and Luke practically told each other you were in love before you kissed, and that’s fine because it obviously worked for you, but me and Ashton are different. That’s not your problem, so I don’t want you getting involved in my shit, if you can fucking manage that for ten minutes.”

So maybe it was a little rude, but Calum felt that the other boy was out of place saying what he had previously said. Cal didn’t know that Ash had put Michael up to this, to saying all of this, as a result of him never having the courage to say it himself. Of course Ashton loved Calum, he had been in love with him since before they got together, but he just needed to hear his almost-boyfriend say it to him. After all the shit that had happened with his family and people in his life and his pretty obvious abandonment issues, he needed constant reassurance that he was loved and he was needed and he was an important person and valued.

But on the other side of that, he didn’t want to be the person to pressure Calum into accepting and acknowledging what he was feeling, knowing just how much of a fucking struggle it was for him to come out and come to terms with his own sexuality. Maybe realising he was in love with a boy would make it all a little too real for him and send him packing. Ash couldn't live with that. He would rather die than see a day lived without his boyfriend by his side. The pair had grown so close in such a short span of time; of course they were always very very close, as were the band as a foursome, but some new connection had happened, one where the two existed as separates but also as a pair, as one whole, together. They barely slept or showered alone anymore, let alone shopping and day activities, so Ash really didn't want to let the thought enter his head that there might come a day where Cal got too scared and bolted and left him alone. So, hence why he put Michael up to asking Calum about all of it. He maybe hadn’t planned on Michael asking so violently and aggressively, but he knew how fiercely protective he was over Ash, so he probably shouldn’t have been surprised.

“Listen, I’m not trying to butt in where I’m not welcome, it’s just I’m worried about how Ash might be feeling, alright. I know you’re closer to him, obviously, but just think about it. If you’re not letting him know how you feel and alerting him to the fact that you value him and still like him, you know what he’s like, he’s gonna start assuming the worst. And I know that’s terrible and it’s shit, but that’s just the way it is.” A sigh left Calum’s lips. He knew Michael was right. He didn’t want to have to tell Ash every day that he still liked him and he was still interested in him and stuff, but knowing his history that was just going to be the way it was going to be. Mikey half smiled and reached out to take Calum’s hand.

“I fucking love you alright.I know I’m a prick and I get mad easily and I probably shout at you and the other boys too much, but I’m a wild card, always have been and always will be. That’s why you love me. I just want us all to be happy, you know? It’s probably never going to happen, cause between the four of us we have enough mental health issues to fill a psychiatric ward, but at least we’re all psychos together, eh?” That comment at least brewed a small giggle from them both.

“Yeah, you might have a point there. Look, I’ll tell him. I’ll look after him. I know that I’m in love with him but I just don't think I’m ready to tell him just yet. And you cannot hold that against me, alright?” Their hands unlinked and Michael nodded. “Yeah, I know. As long as you promise that one day when you’re ready you will tell him. That’s all I want. I want our foursome to become two happy twosomes." Cal smiled in response. His friend was a shithead, but he was their shithead. "We'll get there soon, I promise."


End file.
